Forgive and Forget
by Mandithegleek
Summary: After being in jail for the abuse of his girlfriend Carlos Garcia is finally released, and he's determined to repair the strained relationships he left behind. But will changing be enough his friends to accept him? More importantly will love be enough a haunted Riley to overcome her fears and finally forgive and forget? C/OC/J sequel to He Didn't Mean It. Not slash!
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hello! Welcome to Forgive and Forget! This is a SEQUEL! If you haven't read He Didn't Mean It you will be highly confused. With that being said welcome back to Riley and Carlos' crazy world if you read the first installment. This is going to be kinda dry seeing that this is a prologue and just setting everything up. I hopeyou enjoy! Could I please get some feedback knowing if people will read and review this story?

Thanks! Enjoy.

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If there was one thing I was good at it was manipulating. I could do it to anyone, to a jury, my cell mate. To anyone really. I slipped my converse on my feet and zipped up my hoodie. I Carlos Garcia was a free man. After getting the judge to drop my rape sentence which was two years and have good behavior and agree to therapy I had cut down my sentence of 7 years to just 4 years. I walked through the heavy metal doors, the same doors that kept me separated from Riley for four years. I smiled when I saw my mom in the lobby. She looked happy to see me but timid at the same time. She was still having trouble believing what I had done to Riley.

"Hey mom." I said, clearing my throat, "How are you?"

She hugged me. "I'm okay, I'm just glad you're out for good."

"Me too."

She showed the papers she had to fill out to the man at the door who let us through. I stepped outside and felt the sun on my face. I smiled widely as I saw my dad.

"Carlitos. It's so good to see you." He pulled me into a tight hug. "And it's even better knowing you're a free man."

"Are you hungry?"

I nodded and slid in the backseat. "Yeah I could eat."

My mom started going on and on about glad she was that I could be home for holidays and birthdays again. I could only nod my head in agreement. I had missed my four of my birthdays in jail, and it wasn't even celebrated. I scratched my face feeling the slight stubble I had grown. I was now 22 years old and absolutely clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life now. There was no way I was joining Big Time Rush again, those assholes didn't visit me once in four years.

Once we arrived at some diner near the prison an awkward silence fell over the table.

"So, now that you're out. What are you going to do?" My dad asked after we all had ordered. "Are you going to go to school, play hockey? What's your plan?"

I stirred my coffee and played with a sugar packet. "No idea, I just want to enjoy myself for a while. I'm staying out here though."

My mom squeezed my hand and smiled. "Well whatever you want to do mijo. As long as you stay out of trouble."

I bit my lip and rubbed a few grains of sugar between my thumb and finger. I exhaled and decided I had to find out sooner or later. "So, how's Riley?"

My dad groaned. "Carlos don't do this."

"No, I want to know. She was the one who put me in jail." I said softly. "She was carrying my baby."

"And she lost it because of you. I need you to stay out of trouble, you're going to get yourself into more bullshit and I don't want to deal with that." My dad said pointing his fork at me. "You're mom and I went through hell the last four years because of your behavior, just let it go."

I flinched a little. "Fine, whatever."

"I know this is hard but that girl went through hell Carlos." My mom whispered as she squeezed my hand. "You just need to leave her alone."

I nodded and didn't look up. I thought of her face, the way her cheekbones jutted out from her face. How her nose crinkled when she laughed hard enough and how she walked away from me that day and never came back.

The rest of lunch went okay, my parents caught me up with my family back in Minnesota. It turns out I was now an uncle to a three old boy.

"So you have somewhere to stay right?"

I chuckled. "Yes mom, for thousand times. I'm good, I'm just staying a hotel while they turn on the electricity and stuff."

She kissed my forehead. "Okay just please stay out of trouble."

"I will, I promise."

My dad clasped my shoulder. "If I hear anything about you hurting girls, it'll be straight to Minnesota for you. Do you hear me."

"Yeah, I heard you."

"Good. We'll let you know when we land."

I hugged my mom. "Thanks for coming to get me. I appreciate it."

"No problem. I love you."

"Love you too."

I waved as they pulled away from the doors. I walked into the hotel and checked into my room. I slid my shoes off and quickly pulled out my phone.

"What have you been up too?" I asked myself as I typed Riley Cavanaugh into the search bar.

After scrolling for a while I learned her first album came out a few months after she came to see me in jail. It had gone platinum and she toured for 6 months. A year later she released a second album which did just as well. She was now working on her 3rd album. My stomach coiled as I read an article about how she dated a few actors.

"She's still so beautiful." I thought glumly as I looked at her picture from a few weeks ago. She had honey colored highlights and looked happy. I however noticed that her nose looked different from where I broke it.

I put down my phone feeling depressed from the information I had just found out. Riley was happy and moved on from me. It's not like I didn't expect her to, she was beautiful and a good person. Who wouldn't want to be with her? I sighed and ran my hand down my face, had I really let her just walk away from me? Out of all the shit about our relationship that kept me up at night, one memory was the worse.

_Riley bit her split lip and looked at her stomach. "I was p-pregnant."_

_I felt the smirk that had been on my lips disappear and my hand dropped to her belly. "You're pregnant?" My voice was thick._

_She whimpered a little and I rubbed her stomach which was rounded underneath my hand. "I miscarried, you fucking did this to me and my baby. You beat me until I miscarried you kicked my so hard you took away the only thing I ever loved."_

My heart dropped into my stomach at that moment. I could've had a kid by now, I could've been a dad if had kept my damn temper under control. I took a life all because I was an idiot who liked making Riley cry.

I felt warm tears pool in my eyes as I pulled out a small folded square that I had kept with me for four years. I looked at it and smiled a little. It was me and Riley in a photo booth. She was blushing and I kissed her cheek. This was from some carnival on the beach, it was our first date. She looked so happy, compared to the bloody body I stood over that night backstage.

"I'm sorry Riley." I muttered to the small picture. "I'm sorry, I'll never hurt you again. I j-just want you back. I need you."

I buried my head in my hands. I still loved her. Even if I had gone to jail because of here, I shouldn't have hurt her. As I let tears fall down my face I realized one thing. If I ever got Riley back I would never hurt her, ever. I needed her and I was going to get her back.

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AN: Carlos still loves her and wants her back? Do you think he'll screw up again? The next chapter will be longer and MUCH better, this is just setting up the background info. The next chapter we'll see Riley :) PLEASE review! I need to know if people are interested in this sequel!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews last time I was worried no one was going to read the sequel. We catch up with Riley and her boyfriend this time. Sory for any typos I can barely keep my eyes open! Please enjoy snd review!

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I leaned back in my chair aran my hand through my hair. I slid off my headphones and sighed.

"I don't know everything's good but something's missing." I said as I looked over at Gustavo who nodded.

"I'll tweak some of the instrumentals and maybe pick up the tempo and see how it goes. You can go though I'll let you know when it sounds good."

I stood up and slipped my sandals back on. "Alright see you later."

I walked out of the studio and down the long hallway towards the parking lot. I paused and smiled at the large frames of my first album cover. I had released a few days after my 18th birthday and surprisingly it had done well. I landed a cover for the Rolling Stones and went on tour for six months. I walked out of the studio and felt the warm sunshine on my face and slipped into my car.

"Hey Riley!" I turned around and saw a camera man in my face. "How are you feeling?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Fine thanks."

After a frustratingly slow commute on the 101 I found myself pulling into the driveway of the house I had in the suburbs a little ways out from L.A. I tossed my keys in the basket by the door.

"Baby I'm home!" I called out as I walked into the kitchen and pulled out the bread to make a sandwich. I spread some peanut butter down.

"Alright, I'll tell her."

I heard a heavy sigh come from the hallway and smiled when I felt his arms lock around my waist. I turned around and smiled. "Hey babe."

He kissed me and then let me go. He shuffled around the kitchen and sighed loudly once. "I have to tell you something."

I looked over my shoulder and saw him frowning. "James what's going on?"

"That was Logan in the phone. It's Carlos." He whispered. "He's out of jail."

I dropped the knife, which clattered to the floor leaving a sticky peanut butter and jelly spot on the tile floor. My stomach clenched up and I could feel dull ache in my ribs. I shut my eyes could almost taste the blood in my mouth. I shrugged my shoulders and turned around.

"So? Who cares what he's doing, just because he's out of jail doesn't mean I have to stop doing what I'm doing." I said, passively rolling my eyes. "I'm a big girl, he won't bother me. I'm not worried and you shouldn't either."

James raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure, I mean his sentence was basically cut in half."

"It pisses me off but there wasn't enough evidence for rape so it happened." I curled my hand around his bicep. "Besides, I have you too keep me safe don't I?"

James nodded and leaned in, pressing his lips to mine. "Of course you do. Are you sure you're okay."

"Yeah, I'm going to work on a few songs I'll be upstairs." I said flashing a quick smile.

"Okay, I'm going to go get some color, I'll be outside."

I waited until I heard the glass door slide shut and then let out a whimper. I walked out the kitchen leaving my sandwich unfinished on the counter. My heart was pounding in my ears and I shut the door to the bedroom I shared with James. I reached into the back of the closet and pulled out the small box I had kept hidden for the past four years. I slid to the floor and tears already blurred my vision, I pulled of the lid and stared down at items that were from what I called the 'Carlos era'. Everything in this box was from when we were together, that I just couldn't bare to get rid of no matter how hard I tried.

"This can't be happening." I whispered to myself as I pulled out the first item. "I'm happy n-now."

It was the songbook that contained Love The Way You Lie, the song that earned me a Grammy nomination, a hit single in 14 countries and my first serious beating from Carlos. I shut my eyes and remembered the pain etched into his face as he read the first verse.

"_This is about me." He had spat his voice full of anger. "What is this?"_

I turned the page and found a paragraph I had scribbled down one day after he had hurt me a few weeks before my first beating. I could almost feel the fear I had felt when I was writing this. I could see how shaky my handwriting was and my heart stopped when I saw a small smear of blood on the page.

He hates me and I don't know why. I try so hard to be good enough for him but he won't stop. I love him so much but I'm scared he'll go too far and do something terrible. He doesn't mean it I just can't get him to stop. I want him too stop.

I shuddered, I had been so weak and dependent on Carlos in those days. He was a monster who could control me, but something still pulled at my heart. Somewhere deep inside that I didn't even realize existed until now, I still loves Carlos on some level. He was my first boyfriend and the first guy I had sex with, even if I hadn't wanted to.

"Baby are you okay?"

I flinched when I felt a hand on my back. "Don't t-touch me."

He sat next to me and grabbed my hands which were scratching at my throat which felt tight. "It's James you're okay. Breathe, just breathe in and out."

I took a few shaky breaths and felt embarrassed. I still had minor panic attacks when I was triggered. Being choked left a bigger trauma than I had thought it would. I stopped neck scarves and necklaces because as soon as they touched my throat, I couldn't breath. My only thoughts were Carlos's rough hands squeezing the life out of me. Another trigger was pillows. You could tell what side of the bed was mine because there was one small neck pillow, like the kind on airplanes. If I even laid my head on a pillow all I could think of Carlos suffocating me in our bed.

"He's not going to hurt me." I mumbled as he rubbed my back. "But I'm s-scared."

"I'll keep you safe, you know the ladies at the shelter say this is the third hardest part, after leaving them and being hurt by them. The fear that comes when they get out."

I nodded and thought of the shelters James, Logan, Kendall and I had started. Shortly after Carlos went to jail we started He Meant It foundation, which set up shelters for people being abused.

"What's all this babe?"

I bit my lip. "Carlos era stuff."

"I thought we got rid of everything baby? Remember we went through the apartment and got it all taken care of."

I riddled through the box and pulled out a picture which was yellowed at the corner. "This is i-important."

"No it's not. Remember what the doctor said? It just you still being scared this is all just just useless shit."

Anger boiled in my veins. "This is my _baby_ James." I hissed as I shoved the picture at him. "My baby wasn't useless shit."

He flipped the picture over and stared down at the ultrasound scan. It was from just a few days before I miscarried, I had managed to get to a clinic without anyone knowing. He bit his lip and I saw his face lose color. "It was a boy?" His voice was raw. "This was a few days before you miscarried, why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, I didn't want anyone to know. He's not useless shit he's my baby." I cried as James tried to grab my box. "Don't touch it."

James reached his arm out. "Give it to me."

As soon as I saw his arm I dropped the box causing the contents to spill out. I flinched and covered my face as a ragged sobbed escaped my lips. "O-Okay."

"I was just going to grab it." He pulled my arms away from my face. "I will never hurt you like he did."

"Can I show you?" I whispered meekly. "Please?"

James' eyes were wet and he nodded. "Of course."

I picked up a dried flower, that was mostly brown. "T-This is from after he raped me ad I came home. He bought me flowers, he w-was sad and he told me it would be o-okay. They were pink."

"What's this?" James asked, picking up a a purple drawstring.

I snatched it from him and smiled a little. "He h-had this hoodie and I'd always were and pull on the string when we would watch a movie and one day it came out and he said I could have it."

I smiled as I picked up a small bear with a heart on its stomach. "Our first date was a carnival, he one this for me. He was so sweet but he was nervous and could throw the ball and could only win t-this one."

The only things left in the box were a long strip of picture that showed me blushing while he kissed my cheek on our first date. I kept a copy in my wallet for a year after he was arrested. I picked up the last item, it was also a picture and gasped. It was me a bra and short shorts. I had big dark bruises on my ribs, which jutted out of my skin. My belly was littered with black and blue marks. My neck had visible hand prints in them. My face was covered in bruises, my right was black and swollen while my lip was split so bad I almost needed stitches. Blood was dried under my nose, I looked like a skeleton and my eyes were empty. I stared lifelessly at the battered pile bones in the mirror. My legs were like twigs and covered in bruises as well and my hair was greasy and limp.

"What is that?" James was mortified and was in tears. "Why do you have that you look d-dead."

I sobbed into his chest and clutched his shirt. "After he beat me up and went to your apartment he told me to s-stay on the floor. But I was bleeding on the carpet and he'd be mad so I went to the bathroom and cleaned my nose. I needed p-proof of what he did I was going to leave, but chickened out."

James stared at the picture and touched my face. "Why did y-you print it out?"

I took it back and held the bear close to my chest. "He l-looked through my phone everyday, four times a d-day. He would've found it."

"Why do you have all this?"

I looked at the object laid out before me. "I was thinking m-maybe if he'd find me he w-wouldn't hurt me if I showed him this, he'd know I l-love him,"

James' hazel eyes were full if sadness and anger. "He won't come after you. I'll kill him if he touches you."

"Just keep me s-safe." I begged as I looked at the barely alive girl in the picture. "I-I can't be her again. I d-don't want to die."

James pressed his lips to mine. "He will never come near you R-Riley. I'll let him kill me before I let him hurt you. No one will ever lay a hand on you."

"P-Promise?"

His lips brushed against my ear. "I promise, I love you."

I kissed him softly. "I love you too James. I have a new life now, with you and he's not going r-ruin it."

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AN: so Riley's doing well but sometimes still fears being abused and had panic attacks. What do you think of the box and what she has from all those years ago. Next chapter we catch up with the boys! Should Carlos and Riley interact soon? Also this story will be filling in part and giving new info from the last one! I hope you enjoyed and please review!

THIS CHAPTER WAS SHITTY BUT TE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER I SWEAR! See you soon.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hey guys here's a new chapter. This isn't the best but it's not the worst. This will be the last "filler" chapter to setup the story. So just bare with me! I hope you enjoy and review the response I've gotten so far is awesome so thank you! Enjoy. Sorry I I took so long I had this chapter pretty much done on Monday, but thunderstorms killed my Internet connection so I had to wait! Enjoy though!

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"Come on, will you at least try to eat babe?" James sighed as he walked into the kitchen. "You haven't eaten since you left for the studio yesterday morning."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't have an appetite."

James put his arm around my shoulder. "I know you're scared but you need to eat. Did you even sleep last night? I woke up twice and you were just sitting there."

"I got a few minutes of sleep." I mumbled softly as I heard the doorbell ring. "I'm not tired."

James sighed and went to answer the door. I heard a few quiet greetings and turned around and saw Kendall and Logan. "Hey g-guys."

Kendall smiled at me and hugged me. "Hi Riles."

"Hi."

Since Big Time Rush kind of fizzled out after Carlos went to jail Kendall had been playing hockey for the LA Kings and writing songs and performing every now and then.

Logan pulled me into his arms. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head and buried my face in his shoulder hoping he wouldn't go all therapist on me. Logan was a few weeks away from being a psychologist, after going to therapy with me for months he had found a passion for it and decided he could still help people. Surprisingly he was also dancing on the side, he claimed singing had never been his thing anyways.

"It's okay, I know it's overwhelming knowing that he free now and that he could come back. But it's alright, we won't let him come near you, you have the three of us." He whispered a he rubbed my back and I held on tight. "Plus Gustavo said he's getting you a body guard."

I pulled back and exhaled, I felt a little better, like I always is after talking to Logan. He and Kendall were kind of my brothers and looked out for me.

"Now that you calmed her down conceive her to eat." James said as he wrapped his arms around my waist. "She hasn't eaten since yesterday morning."

I stared at the food they had brought with them. My stomach felt sick from the thought of eating, I was still having trouble with eating. On tour I was always starving from dancing every night and would eat well but at home was a different story. Even though I had gained 20 pounds after Carlos and was obviously healthier I still could hear him in the back of my mind when I would eat.

"You can't start skipping meals again. You need to eat something, do you want a bagel or some oatmeal?" Kendall asked opening the bag. "Or I can get something else."

I smiled a little, Kendall had been the biggest help with my eating troubles. He had skipped meals and starved himself from time to time after joining hockey and we both promised each we'd help each other stay on track with eating better. He now could eat and not feel guilty about it while I would occasionally cry for an hour over sandwich.

"Sure." I grabbed a bagel and cut it into quarters. "So what's up?"

"Not much, we just wanted to see how you are with Carlos being out of jail." Logan said grabbing a bagel. "And to let you know if he even looks at you weird we'll beat the crap out of him."

"My heroes." I said sarcastically. "I guess I'm okay, it's just scary knowing he could do this to someone else or me. That he can hurt people again."

James kissed my head and sat next to me. "He doesn't know where we live or anything, as far as he know you went back to Oregon."

"True, but he google me and find out what I've been up too. What he like follows me to work or something?"

Kendall looked up from his phone. "Get a restraining order. If he violates that crap he'll go back to jail."

"That's a good idea. I'm going to go call Gustavo and ask about extra security at the studio." James said as he left the room.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. I feeling overwhelmed, I was supposed to writing songs for my new album but instead I had to deal with Carlos and his crap. "Did you guys ever go see him?"

Logan shook his head. "Nope, the last I saw him was in the court room. Why did you?"

I picked at my fingernails. "About a month after the trial. He looked so sad and broken, he s-sounded sorry. Maybe he's changed."

Kendall put a hand on my shoulder. "Are you thinking of getting back with him? You can't screw James over like that, he loves you."

"Yeah Riley, and besides you know guys like that rarely change."

I shook my head and my cheeks grew hot. "I would never go back to him. I love James. But I-" I buried my face in Logan's shoulder again. "I m-miss Carlos, I miss him so much."

"We've talked about this. He would beat you, you need to let him go and move on. You don't miss him you were just dependent on him."

I rolled my eyes and turned to Kendall. "He said he was sorry Kendall, he said he was sorry. Maybe I should I give him another chance and be friends with him."

He shook his head. "I don't think you should he could just take you from James and hurt you again."

I left the kitchen and slammed my door. They obviously didn't understand where I was coming from. I loved James and wasn't going to leave him but I couldn't stop thinking about Carlos. He had been my everything for a year. He was the father of my son and the only guy I had slept with. I had tried to sleep with James on his birthday but as soon had he had taken off his pants I burst into tears.

"Baby are you okay?"

"T-They act like I'm going to leave you." I whimpered. "I'm not leaving I love you but I, I miss him. I want to t-talk to him."

James raised his eyebrows. "Talk to him? What, why the hell would you do that?"

"He was my best friend. I m-miss him, I want to see if he's okay."

"It's not like he was worried if you were okay he raped you or when he beat the crap out of you.

I flinched at the word rape. "I know but he-." I bit my lip as I looked for the right way to word what I was saying. "He deserves to know about the baby and t-that I don't hate him anymore."

"He didn't care about the baby when he made you miscarry!" James rose his voice and ran his down his face. "I mean he literally beat you within and inch of your life and you don't hate him? I just don't get it."

Anger courses through my veins and I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to get it." I spat. "I'm the one he fucked up, I'm the one who almost got engaged to him. I'm the one who was carrying his baby. You don't understand half of what I've been through! He was my first love and he was my best friend! Of course I want to talk to him!"

"Did you really almost get engaged?." His voice was soft, he sounded jealous.

"A-After we had sex he said he'd marry me." I explained softly as I stared at my ultrasound scan. "He was trying to make me feel better."

James wrapped his arm around me. "I-I'm sorry I screamed at you. Just hear me out okay?"

I nodded. "Alright."

"I just think you shouldn't talk to him because what he talks you into getting back with him? Or he makes you feel guilty and he takes advantage of you?"

I kissed him softly. "I'm not going to get back with him. I just want to call him."

James stood up. "Whatever, do what you want Riley. I love you but don't listen to me, see if I care."

"J-James." I whispered as he slammed the door causing me to jump.

I waited until I heard him downstairs with Logan and Kendall. I locked the door and sat on my bed staring at screen, at his contact which I had moved down to the bottom of my favorites. I bit my lip, what were the chances his number was still the same? I decided calling wouldn't hurt, if it was his number, cool I'd talk to him. If not, I tried to contact him but I didn't work out. I sighed and hit the call button and felt my stomach twist as is starting ringing.. Here goes nothing.

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AN: Do you think it'll be Carlos' phone number. What do you think of James' and Riley's little fight. I hope you enjoy thanks for all the feedback so far. I hope to her from all of you lovely people! :)


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I'm so sorry for taking so long. My parents grounded me from my computer so I couldn't update until I got my grade back up in math but here I am. I hope you enjoy and please pease PLEASE review. They keep my creative juices flowing.

I don't own BTR  


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Carlos

I sighed to myself as I laid in my hotel bed and stared at the TV. I was still waiting to move into my apartment, and get away from the people outside the hotel who kept asking me questions. I flipped through the crappy hotel channels and settled on some movie. I jumped when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, it came up as unknown.

"Hello?"

There was a pause on the other end. "Carlos?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, who's this?"

"It's me, Riley."

My stomach twisted in a knot. "Yeah right."

"No it's me." She sounded amused. "I just wanted to see how you were, I heard you got out of jail."

I was conflicted, talking to her was bittersweet. I was excited to hear from her again but upset that she ignored me for four years. "Fine I guess, how are you."

"Really good. So are you still in California or did you go back home?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I'm still out here, why?"

She sounded nervous. "Oh I was just curious."

I smiled at little when she laughed. "I miss you, you know that right."

"Yeah, well I just wanted to see how you are were."

I inhaled deeply. "So would you want to hang out sometime? Maybe get some coffee?"

She hesitated. "Um, I don't know."

I laughed. "C'mon Riles, just as friends who want to catch up. You can pick the place and everything."

"I'll think about and text you later okay?"

"Alright." I sighed, knowing it wouldn't happen. "Well it was nice talking to you."

"You too." She sounded happy, like nothing bad had ever happened to her. "I'll talk to you later okay?"

"Bye Riley."

"Bye."

I hung up and stared at my phone. Had that really just happened? Had Riley and I just had a civil conversation after four years of her cold shoulder?

"Wow." I muttered to myself as I smiled like a fool. "Maybe she doesn't hate me after all."

The sensation in my stomach made me nervous, it was butterflies. Honest to God butterflies, I liked her I still really cared about her. I sighed to myself and bit my lip. If I got her back this time I couldn't screw it up. I wasn't loosing her again.

Riley

I sat my phone on my bed and exhaled slowly. That had gone better than I thought, he seems calmer. It felt good to talk to him again, after all this time I had missed him. Maybe we could even become friends someday if things went well.

"Riley its us. Are you in there?"

I frowned as I remembered that James was pissed at me. I walked to the door and unlocked it and found Kendall and Logan standing on the other side.

"Hey." I said softly.

Logan walked in. "Did you talk to him?"

I nodded, fighting the smile that pulled at my lips. "Yeah, he was nice."

"Really?"

I shrugged. "Yeah we just caught up. He's still out here and he's happy. We're just talking, it probably won't go any further I just wanted to see how he was."

Kendall smiled. "So you and James?" He trailed off and stared at me.

"Are still together. I'm in love with him, he's the one."

"Good. Now that that's been taken care of, here." Logan handed me a bag. "I'm not playing around."

I opened the bag and found a bagel and a small container of cream cheese. My stomach coiled, not from fear of Carlos but repulsion. "I'm not hungry."

Kendall frowned and wrapped an arm around me. "Please eat. You're so skinny."

"Exactly and I intend to stay that way. I have to lay off the carbs."

"What about an apple?"

I shrugged. "Too much sugar."

"A salad?"

I shook my head as I stared at my reflection, the joy I felt from my phone call with Carlos was quickly fading as anorexia reared it head again. "I'll get bloated."

My friends sighed and Logan stood behind me. "You do this all the time. We'll name a lot of foods but then you come up with an excuse not to eat them."

"No I don't."

"Is this about Carlos?"

I rolled my eyes at Kendall. "No. If you must know I gained 3 pounds and its fat. It's not okay."

"So you're up to a staggering 116 now?" Kendall said dryly. "James is worried about you. You're wasting away."

I groaned, knowing the only way to end this was to eat. I snatched the bagel and bit into it. "There, I'm not eating cream cheese though its gross."

Logan smiled. "Well our job's done. If you need to talk about Carlos you can call us or text us."

"Of course." Kendall hugged me tight. "Night, Riley."

"Bye."

I waved and sat in my bed and set out a quick message on ScuttleButt.

"Good day today, started mending some old bridges."

I flipped through a magazine for a while and jumped when James knocked on the door.

"Hey baby."

I glanced up and sighed. "Hey."

James stuffed his hands in his pockets. "So, how was it?"

"It?" I questioned slowly, he was being cryptic. "Talking to Carlos?"

"Yeah, I mean was he nice?"

I nodded. "Yeah we just caught up, he's happy though."

James bit down in his lip and rubbed his hand over his face. "He's still out here?

"Yeah, but its fine. He's not going to bother me." I stood up and draped my arms around his shoulders. "Besides I know I have you to take care of me."

James nodded and kissed me softly. I kissed back and pressed my body against his. "I love you."

"Love you too."

James led us back to the bed and peeled off his shirt and I peeled off my tank top. My heart pounded in my chest and my breathing grew shorter as James got on top of me. I shut my eyes and grimaced as I felt him through his pants.

"James?" I whispered, growing more panicked as each second pass.

His smooth finger tips were busy trying to unclasp my bra. "Yeah?"

My stomach coiled when I looked down at his jeans which looked painfully tight and when I realized he was taking them off.

"I don't want to do this."

"What?"

I pushed him away. "I don't want to do this yet."

"Why not?" He sounded desperate.

"I don't want to have sex yet."

"Is this about Carlos?"

I looked down and shrugged. "Yeah."

James stood up and pulled his short on. "Whatever Riley. I don't care, you clearly still want him."

"No I don't! I want you I love you but I shouldn't have to have sex with you to prove that I want you!"

James rolled his eyes. "Sure you love me, I really believe that."

I slipped my shirt back on. "I've been with you for almost four years. Of course I love you! But the last time I had sex I was raped and got pregnant! So I'm sorry if sex isn't my top priority. And I thought you loved me enough to know that!"

He rolled his eyes. "I do love you and I know he ruined that for you but I haven't had sex in four years. I'll wait until you're ready but its hard."

"I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you but I'm getting there."

James went to the door. "I'm sleeping in the guest room."

"James please.."

He shut the door behind him and heard a door down the hall slam. I wiped my eyes and sighed. If James wanted to be upset about Carlos that was his choice not mine. Nothing was ever going to happen between us again. We were just friends and nothing was going to come between us.

"I love you and only you." I whispered as I reached over and grabbed my phone.

To Carlos: I want to be friends again, but nothing more.

I sat my phone down and sighed, now he had nothing to worry about.

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AN: I rewrote this chapter 3 times... Still not 100% about this chapter but I hope you enjoyed! Please review. I'll go back and fix the typos later. What should happen next? Thanks guys!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Hey guys this chapter is long over due, explanation at the bottom! I hope you enjoy! leave some ideas i have major writers block! enjoy and please review! And I do apologize for the f-bomb being used a lot in this chapter! Also a HUGE thanks to Kooljen9 who has helped me a lot, but especially with this chapter! Thanks girl!

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Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I grimaced as I awoke to the sound my phone going off. I felt around the bedside table for my phone and stopped when I didn't feel James under my arm like normal. I opened one eye and frowned when I saw that I was in bed alone, I grabbed my phone and sighed at the text I had, it was a response from the text I sent Carlos last night.

**Fine, I just wanted to catch up**.

I rolled out of my bed and pulled my robe on and walked past the guest room and saw that the door was still shut. I went downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee and sat at the table. I heard the shower turn on and I bit my lip as I picked up my phone.

**Sorry I was a bitch last night, I just panicked**.

I hit send and took another sip and rolled my eyes as I heard singing in shower, like nothing was wrong. I glanced down at my screen.

**It's cool. Sorry if I was pushy I just miss seeing you, I've spent the last four years with thugs.**

**Is the great Carlos Garcia afraid of some thugs, I thought nothing scared you?**

I smirked at his reply, our quick back and forth reminded me of the good days long before he hurt me.

**Oh haha, very funny. Some of those guys looked like they ate nothing but raw eggs and rocks everyday. I swear.**

I laughed but fell silent as I remember that I had to be in control this time, I couldn't get to attached.

**Damn haha.**

I finished my coffee and ran my hand through my hair.

"Hey."

I looked up and saw James standing at the counter. He looked tired like he always did after we fought, even though his hair was damp and his face was clean shaven the bags under his eyes made him look disheveled.

I stared at him and gave a small wave. "Hi."

James looked into his coffee and sighed. "How are you?"

I shrugged and looked at my phone and saw that Carlos had texted me. "Fine."

James was silent as he drank his coffee and I texted Carlos back saying I was going to the gym and that I'd text him later. I looked up and saw James staring at me intently.

"What?" I spat.

He bit his lip. "I'm sorry about last night, I was a dick."

"Yeah you were." I replied coldly, not even trying to control my anger. "You acted liked Carlos and I were sleeping together."

"I know and I probably scared you but I love baby." He grabbed my hand. "You're so amazing and I don't want to loose you."

I froze and bit my lip. His words reminded me of Carlos and all the times he would say the exact same thing to me. I shook my head and then looked at James who looked desperate. "Why were you so pissed at me?"

"You're going to get hurt again and I'm worried you might have old feelings for Carlos and go back to him."

I put my hand on his cheek. "I'm not going to go back to him. The only feelings I have for him are friendly. I just want to catch up, you don't need to come at me like I plan to sleep with him. It's just that, we have a history and he was my first. I was having his baby."

"I know Riley you don't have to fucking remind me every 10 minutes that he got further than I did."

I stood up from the table. "Are you being serious right now?"

He exhaled loudly. "Yeah! Every time we fight about him it's always 'he was my first' this and 'I was pregnant with his baby' that!" He mimicked my voice. "For someone who cries when I take off my pants you sure don't mind talking about when you fucked Carlos!"

Tears burned my eyes as I stared at James in shock, my lips formed into perfect 'o' shape. "Who the fuck do you think you are James Diamond?" I hissed as I jabbed my finger into his chest. "He _raped_ me! Don't you dare make it sound like I was all over him, you know what that did to me!"

James looked at the the tile floor and looked guilty. He opened his mouth to speak but I rolled my eyes and cut him off. "Save your apology, I'm going out let me know when you're done being an asshole."

I turned around and grabbed my phone when I felt James link his fingers with mine. I looked over my shoulder swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Are you going to see Carlos?" He sounded heartbroken and full of regret.

I shrugged. "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not but I don't really care if that upsets you or not."

I walked out of the kitchen and up to our room. I slammed the door and locked it behind me. I sat down at my makeup table and put some cover up on to hide my puffy eyes and blotchy skin. I set it with powder and sighed as I put on my eyeliner.

"How could he have been such a dick to me?" I thought as I tugged on tee shirt and jeans.

I tossed my hair into a ponytail and slipped on my glasses, I couldn't be bothered with contacts. I walked downstairs and saw James sitting at the table with his face in his hands. He looked up, his eyes were red and full of tears.

"Babe, I'm sorry. I am such an ass, I know what he did to you and to make it sound like something else was messed up."

I wasn't ready to accept his apology yet so I shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah it was. If you're not home when I get back I'll let you know I got home okay."

He nodded and ran his hand through his short hair. "Bye Riley. Love you."

My heart strings were pulled at by the breathy sounds of his voice. "You too."

I walked outside and climbed into my car, resting my head on the steering wheel. I pulled out my phone, my hands were shaky as I sent a text.

**Can we meet up today, I just really need to talk to someone**.

I drove out of my neighborhood and smiled when I saw a reply saying yes. I was grateful for the distraction, I just needed a break. A break from work, a break from fighting with James and mostly a break from the real world.

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AN: This was kinda a giant ball of crap. Anyway, who do you think Riley's going to go see? James was kind of a douche to her don't you think? What did you think of this chapter! Sorry for the long break I had finals and banquets to go to, an final projects to do. (6 all due in the same week) but its summer now! Other than summer assignments I am free to write so updates with hopefully be regular. Later babies! Please review?


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Sorry for the delay I started working and I have to work out, do summer work for AP classes and I was on vacation so it's safe to say that I've been busy lately. I'm disappointed I only got 2 reviews for the last chapter. Anyway enjoy and do you want to see a Carlos and Riley relationship? PS I'll edit tomorrow morning!

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My breaths were shaky and uneven as a few tears coursed down my cheeks. I knocked on the door and waited for it to open.

"Hey Riley I got your- what's wrong?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck and bit my lip. "He's such a dick Logan."

Logan furrowed his eyebrows and rubbed my back. "Hey it's okay, just come inside okay?"

I walked into his apartment and couldn't help but think of that night outside of 2J after Carlos had raped me and it had been Logan who helped me. I sat on his couch and tried to calm down.

"What happened?"

"L-Last night after I hung up from Carlos, James and I were making out and he was taking off his clothes and I flipped out, because you know. And then he got m-mad and he started talking about how he hasn't had sex in four years and we fought and he slept in the other room." I sniffled a little and sighed. "Then you know what he had the b-balls to say to me this morning?"

Logan shook his head. "What?"

"He apologized and told me he was worried I had feelings for him. I tried to tell him I just wanted to be friends and that I have a connection with him because you know he was my first, and the father of my baby you know?"

He nodded. "Yeah that's something only the two of you share. What did he say to that?"

I rolled my eyes as I felt more tears. "He said you don't have to remind me every 10 m-minutes that he got further than I did. He said I-I always bring up the baby and that Carlos was my first." A sob escaped my shaking lips. "He was like for someone who fucking cries when I take my pants off you don't mind talking about the time you f-fucked Carlos."

Logan gasped and I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. "He's an asshole for even bringing that up! He should know what that did to you."

"I didn't fuck him." I sobbed as I shook my head. "I swear I d-didn't fuck him, he r-raped me."

He ran his hand threw his hair, looking visibly pissed. "I know Riley, I know it's okay."

I buried my face in his neck, grateful that he understood. We sat in silence for a few minutes as I calmed down, feeling better about situation now that I confided in someone.

"Is there still a chance though?"

Logan had asked it so quietly that I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"

He barely raised his voice, he sounded unsure. "Is there still a chance you could have feelings for Carlos?"

"No, I mean he beat me." I said, I didn't know who I was trying to convince, me or Logan who stared at me with a 'yeah right' look. "I don't k-know."

"What do you mean?" I could hear him getting all psychologist on me.

I pick at a loose thread on my shirt. "Sometimes, if I think about it enough, I get a what if feeling. Like what if Carlos had stopped abusing me, you know? Like if he had stopped and had never went to jail would we still be a couple?"

"Could you see it, like before he was a dick to you was there a moment you thought you could be with him forever?"

I bit my lip and nodded. "Yeah, the first time he told me loved."

_It was mid October and and Carlos and I had been dating for a little more than five months. He had just moved into my apartment and we were laying in bed together. He pushed some hair behind my ear and I smiled when he kissed me._

_"We've spend all day in bed, we probably should do something productive." I chuckled. "I should at least shower. I look gross."_

_He leaned over and kissed me. "You're beautiful."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Sometimes you're too sweet."_

_He smirked playfully and pulled me into his arms and onto his lap. He kissed me and I kissed back, wrapping my arms around his neck. He bit my lip, asking for entrance. I blushed when I felt his hands drift down to my ass and my legs wrapped around his waist. He explored my mouth, and I could feel the shorts he wore to bed growing tight. My face reddened even more, this was the furtherest I had ever gone with anyone. I pouted a little when he pulled back._

_"We can stop anytime you want." He whispered, breathily into my ear. _

_I leaned back in and kissed him. "I'm not ready yet, I mean I've only been serious with two other guys and I-"_

_"It's cool."_

_I smiled and kissed him again, letting my lips linger on his. "Really?"_

_He nodded and pressed his forehead to mine "I love you Riley."_

_My eyes widened. "W-What."_

_He looked sheepish. "I don't know I just realized. I love you."_

_"I l-love you too."_

_Carlos smiled before bringing his lips to mine once more._

"Riley?"

I snapped up, feeling my face warm up. "Huh?"

"You okay, you like zoned out?"

I nodded, not looking up at Logan. "S-sorry I was just thinking of it, he was so sweet and we were so happy together, it felt like were could've been together forever."

"Does James make you feel like that?"

I hesitated. "Of course he does, he saved my life, I love him, I really do. You know that right?"

He nodded. "Totally, I can see it when you're around him."

I exhaled. "He's just being and ass right now, he's super jealous and acting like a dick."

"He's obviously worried about Carlos."

I rolled my eyes. "He has no reason too! I love him, not Carlos. Did I at one time think we we're getting married? Yes, but he tried to kill me!"

Logan flinched and rubbed my back as I started to cry. "Hey it's okay, don't cry. It's just weird now that he's out."

"James makes it seem like I'm going to hook up with him. I j-just miss him, he was my best friend and he deserves to know about his s-son."

"His son?"

Out of habit my fingers brushed against my stomach. "Yeah it was b-boy, only you, James and my mom know that though. I just want him to know."

"He deserves too."

I whimpered into his shoulder. "I love James but Carols and I had a son, I know he's-" I exhaled and gripped Logan's hand and struggled to speak. "G-gone but its still something we share."

After sitting in silence for a minute Logan spoke, "You should see him."

"Really?"

He nodded. "It would be selfish if you didn't tell him, he deserves know about his son. You two share that no matter what."

I smiled. "Thank y-you."

"Just go get coffee and feel it out. If it goes okay, try to be friends with him, and you know try to finally heal about the baby."

"And if he's a creep?" I whispered, as I thought of his hands squeezing the life out of me.

"We'll be here for you and get a restraining order."

I nodded and thought of the restraining order James had pushed on me a few days ago.

"_Babe you should just file it now before he hurts you."_

_I shrugged. "I highly doubt he's going to kill me or something. He's not dumb enough to go back to jail, he was your friend for almost ten years, you know him."_

_"And I thought he wasn't dumb enough to beat up a girl but he was."_

_"Fair enough, but he hasn't done anything yet. Why freak him out for nothing."_

_James groaned and rubbed his temples. "He tried to kill you, he choked you and made you miscarry."_

_I frowned at the mention if my baby. "Exactly he tried to kill me not you so it's my choice not yours and right now I'm fine."_

_"Fine Ri, be that way."_

"Thanks for dealing with me Logie." I joked. "You're like my brother."

He shrugged. "No problem, just don't get hurt and if James is a dick you can stay here or if Carlos gets to close. I'm here."

I hugged him tightly and sighed. "Are we going to be okay?"

Logan nodded. "Yeah, we'll be okay."

I pecked his cheek. "Thanks Logan."

"No problem."

I walked out of his apartment and pulled out my phone. I walked down the hall and stood in front of the elevator. I dialed Carlos' number, my stomach filling with excitement.

"Hello?"

"Hey Carlos, it's me." I said softly.

He paused. "Oh hey Riley what's up?"

"I was jut wondering if you still wanted to get coffee?"

"Really." He sounded shocked, "I'm free whenever you are."

I bit my lip, feeling myself grow nervous. "Maybe today. You know that shop on Thames?"

"Yeah, maybe in 20 minutes?"

I smiled to myself. "Sounds good. See you there."

"Bye Riley."

"Bye."

I hung up and stepped into the elevator and shook my head. For the first time in four years I would come face to face with Carlos Garcia. Nerves radiated off of me and I swallowed. I had to be in control, this wouldn't end like last time. It couldn't, things had to get better.

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AN: They're meeting up! How will that go? What did you like what didn't you like. Anything to enhance the story? Please review! IM GOING TO TRY UPDATING ONCE A WEEK!


	7. Chapter 7

AN: I AM SO SORRY FOR GOING MIA IVE BEEN SO BUSY. I was finishing another fanfic but this is now my top priority so expect frequent updates this chapter suck but I can't get it to where I want still. Anyways the song in the radio is I really don't care by Demi Lovato ft. Cher Lloyd check it out. And enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW IT HELPS ME UPDATE! DON'T FORGET TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU **WANT** A CARLOS AND RILEY RELATIONSHIP enjoy and please review

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Carlos

'Okay this is definitely it.' I thought to myself as the familiar scent of burnt coffee and blueberry muffins hit my nose as I walked in the coffee shop.

I glanced at my watched and frowned I was ten minutes late, it turned out I hadn't remembered where it was like I thought I had. Riley had probably assumed that I stood her up. I rolled my eyes.

"Great way to restart your new friendship." I muttered.

My eyes scanned the fairly empty room for anyone who looked somewhat like Riley. Dark brown hair and skin a few shades lighter than mine. I furrowed my eyebrows when I saw a girl with brownish honey colored hair waving me over.

"Riley?" I asked nervously. "Is that you?"

She smirked. "Who else could I possibly be?"

I shook my head not expecting her to make a joke. "S-sorry I didn't even recognize you, you look different."

She touched hair and shrugged. "Yeah, I like to change it up."

I took in her face, her features looked pretty much the same as they did when I last saw her. She was a little tanner and had a small scar under her lip and her nose was slimmer. My stomach immediately tightened when I realized it was probably because I broke her nose.

"You okay."

I nodded. "Y-Yeah, sorry I was late I forget how to get here from somewhere that's not the Palmwoods."

"Oh it's fine. You look different too you finally have that stubble you wanted."

I chuckled and rubbed my jaw, I had spend the greater part of our relationship trying to get some facial hair. "Yeah finally."

"Oh, I ordered for you by the way." She said scrunching her face in concentration. "Black coffee six sugars right?"

I sat down across from here in the other side of the booth. "Wow yeah, you remembered my coffee order?"

A small smile pulled at her mouth. "Of course it's pansy coffee."

I faked a gasp. "Oh yeah this coming from the same girl who insists on coffee with equal parts skim and soy milk, espresso, half a sugar and so help you if it's Splenda." I pointed my coffee stirrer at her. "That Riley, is the definition of pansy coffee."

Her eyebrows were raised slightly. "You remember it though."

I laughed a little. "How could I forget, I remember the first time we came here you probably scarred the girl behind the counter for life because you lectured her about how gross Splenda was."

She shook her head and sighed. "It taste like death and sand."

I chuckled and sighed to myself, she seemed really happy. "So how have you been?"

"Good, I'm uh working on third album with Gustavo and then I'm touring again. So I've been busy."

"How are the guys? I mean do you still hang out with them." I sounded pathetic, asking about the assholes who never visited me.

She took a sipped of her drink and sighed. "They're fine, Kendall plays for the Kings, Logan's a psychologist now and James, he's a uh a model for Cuda and Armani."

"Wow, so they don't perform anymore?"

"Logan dances and sometimes or rare occasions they're do an acoustic version of some songs here." She shrugged. "How are you?"

I forced a tight smile on my face. "Good, I have an apartment uptown it's nice."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know I miss singing and shit but I don't think anyone would hire me after you know, so I'm just going to chill."

She reached across the table and her hand found its way on top of mine. Her skin felt soft, and I couldn't help but notice how her hand trembled a little. "You know it's kind of died down, the rumors and everything. Sometimes if I do an interview they bring it up but everyone's kind of moved on. They're might be some talk about it now but you're talented."

A real smile pulled on my lips. "Really?"

"You always have been." She shook her head and smiled. "This is crazy"

I furrowed eyebrows. "What is."

Riley shook her again. "It's just if James knew I was having coffee with you he's probably have a heart attack."

"James? As in Diamond? Why would he care that we're having coffee?"

She swirled her cup around. "You're my ex and I'm having coffee with you. He acts like I'm going to cheat on him or something."

For some reason I felt my stomach plunge. She and James were together. "Oh so you and James." I said slowly trying not to scowl when I said his name.

I watched Riley visibly pale and gulp. "Oh, yeah. We're uh together, sorry."

I grinned a little bit at how jumpy she was. "Riley it's cool. I'm happy for you, you guys were always close."

"Thanks. So are you going back to Minnesota anytime soon?"

"I don't know. My mom and dad were just out here but I want to go meet my nephew." I replied not pointing out how quickly she changed the subject. "I might."

"You have a nephew?"

I nodded and drank the last of my coffee. "Yeah, he's three apparently my brother finally found someone."

"That's cute." Riley smiled, but I couldn't help but notice how sad she sounded. "A little boy, I just hope he's not hyper like you are."

"Oh whatever." I rolled my eyes jokingly and she laughed. "I'm really happy for you Riley, you know about your music and everything."

"Thanks, it was really nice seeing you again." She slipped her phone back into her purse and stood up and tossed her cup in the trash. "I mean I'm glad we caught up."

I followed her outside after throwing my cup away as well. "Me too we should meet up again sometime."

She grinned. "We should."

I scratched the back of my neck. "Can I walk you to your car?"

"Sure."

The walked around the block in a somewhat awkward silence. I glanced over at her, she was smiling so I clearly not freaking her out.

"Riley over here!"

I turned around and saw a guy following us with a camera. "What the hell?"

She rolled her eyes, stopping in front of her car. "Just ignore them. See you later Carlitos."

"You know I hated when you called me that."

"Exactly why I did it." She laughed, her classic smirk appearing on her face.

I was taken by surprise when I felt her hug me. She pressed her small body against mine, I wrapped my arms back around her. It felt strange to touch her like this, especially since the last time I did I almost beat her to death.

"See ya Riley."

She pulled back, a small blush on her face. "Call me yeah?"

"I will."

I walked across the street to where I was parked. I had just gotten in my car and heard a car refusing to start. I looked up and saw that it was Riley. Maybe I'd actually get to do something nice for her for once in my life.

"Hey!" I called as I got out of my car. "You need help?"

Riley glanced up. "Oh I'm just going to call a tow truck."

"Do you want me to wait around? Or a ride home." I didn't want to come on to strong but I didn't want to leave her alone. "You and I both know this neighborhood is shady."

Riley rolled her eyes and bit her lip. "Yeah if it's not out of your way or anything."

I chuckled. "Some things never change."

"Oh yeah what's so funny?"

I shrugged. "You never want to bother anyone it's cute. Classic Riley."

She smirked at the word cute. "And you're very transparent, that's classic Carlos."

"Do you want a ride or not?" I grumbled, feeling the color rise in my face.

"Yeah thanks." She leaned into her car and looked around for something and I looked over her small frame. "Ready to go?"

My eyes snapped back up to her face. I could a blush working its way up my face. "Uh, yeah."

I opened her door and climbed in. "You coming or what chica? I won't kidnap you I swear."

Riley got in shut the door. "You just want to go north on the 101 and I'll tell you from there."

I nodded and pulled away from curb. "So how's your career and everything?"

"Good." Her eyes refused to looked up from her lap.

"Cool." I said awkwardly as the conversation died out. I fumbled with the radio for a minute and turned it up to fill the silence.

_Even if the stars and moon collide, I never want you back into my life_

_You can take your words and all your lies, oh oh oh I really don't care_

_Oh oh oh I really dont care_

A bouncy pop beat filled the car and Riley groaned and looked embarrassed. A different voice came in after the chorus.

_Yeah, listen up hey, hey, never look back, dumb struck boy, ego intact. _

_Look boy, why you so mad second guessing, but never shoulda hit that_

_Hey Riley you picked the wrong lover __Shoulda picked that one he's cuter than the other. And I just-_

I jumped back when Riley's hand shot out and turned off the radio. I glanced at her face was bright red. I bit lip, wondering if its about me.

"Cute song." I teased as I hummed the chorus. "Who's the other girl."

"Cher Lloyd, it's from my first album." She said proudly, the blush slowly leaving her face. "I wanted at least one upbeat song and not all depressing songs."

I smiled at her. "Well you sound really good. I'm going to have to catch up on your music."

Riley groaned. "Oh God, kill me. Turn left here by the way."

"What, I want to hear your music." I questioned, completely ignoring her attempt at sidetracking me.

"It's embarrassing, the first album's mostly about-"

"Don't spoil it!" I laughed. "Right or left?"

She scoffed. "You're impossible, right and go straight until the gate."

I nodded. "So within my first two weeks out of jail it's rained most of the time." I said flicking on the wipers as a steady downpour started. "I think it's a sign."

She smiled at me. "Maybe it is."

I eased to a stop in front of large gate. "Code?"

"602036." She said quickly. "Second to last house on the right."

"So other than the rain and having to haul your ass home today was fun."

"You said it wasn't a problem!" She defended.

I held up my hand as I stopped in front of her house, it was big but not obnoxious. "Whoa just kidding. Calm down I had fun though."

"Me too." Riley admitted as she leaned over to hug me. "Thanks for the ride."

I didn't quite let go but I stared at her face, taking in her eyes, her freckles and mostly her lips that look really soft and inviting. I could feel my breathing become shallow and my will power fading.

"I missed you." She whispered suddenly. "I mean not at first but I've really missed you Carlos."

I inhaled sharply at the way she said my name. "I thought about, after you visited me. Everyday for four years and how I would've done things differently."

"Really?" She looked vulnerable.

I reached out and touch her face, realizing that I had bruised it a thousand time before. "I would give _anything_ to take back everything I did to you. I'm sorry for everything, and I'm not saying that with any intention of getting you back but as a friend."

"I f-forgive you."

I leaned in and I could smell her perfume, jasmine and vanilla like always. I brushed my lips against her cheek. "See you around Riley."

Riley quickly said that she'd text me later and unlocked her door and went in. I leaned back into my seat and inhaled deeply. Her smell lingered in the air. Even if she didn't want me back I had to be there for her.

"I'm going to make it up to you one I swear."

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AN: so there coffee date went well. I know this chapter was boring and awkward but I wanted it awkward between them. How do think I did portraying Carlos? Next chapter Riley will confront James look out for drama. See you guys next week I PROMISE


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Hello rushers! Thanks for the reviews they made my day! So I'm thinking of writing some short (no more than 10 chapters) BTR stories not related to this universe. Which one of the boys would you be interested in seeing me write about first? Any basic plot ideas? Also I may not update next week, I' m going to DC for a week for vacation but we'll see! Anyways this chapter is in Riley's POV and picks up a little bit before the end of the last chapter. I hope you enjoy and PLEASE review. Love you guys :) I'll edit later!

BY THE WAY I SUGGEST LISTENING TO STAY BY HURTS WHILE READING! Don't forget to let me know about the short stories!

"Thanks for the ride." I whispered as I hugged him, his arms felt safe around my body.

I went to pull away but he didn't let go. At first the panic rose inside me, fearing that he'd do something terrible but I paused when I saw him staring at me. I looked into his eyes that were warm and familiar and smiled at little, his eyes not so causally flickered down to my lips and my breathing turned shallow. There was no way he had the balls to kiss me. I could hear his breathing grow faint and his lips shook.

"I m-missed you." I stammered out, hoping to distract him. "I mean not at first but I've really missed you Carlos."

Carlos sighed, looking sheepish. "I thought about you, after you visited me." he confessed, his gaze never leaving mine. "E-Everyday for four years and how I would've done things differently."

I felt a stab of guilt in my chest. Even after I came to terms with what he did I never let him know I forgave him, I left him wondering. "Really?"

His hand reached out and I saw the pain and guilt in his eyes as I flinched away from his touch. His warm fingers brushed over the skin beneath my eye. The same place he bruised countless times before, his fingers were trembling.

"I would give _anything_ to take back everything I did to you." His voice was thick with emotion. "I'm sorry for everything, and I'm not saying that with any intention of getting you back but as a friend."

I exhaled a sigh of relief, after four years of wondering if he regretted what he did it was comforting to hear him say it to me. I was also relieved to hear him say that he had no intentions of getting me back. It made this feel so much more innocent.

"I f-forgive you." I said softly trying to stop myself from crying like a baby.

I was shocked when I felt his warm lips pressed against my cheek, leaving the skin underneath tingling. I inhaled the familiar scent of his musky cologne and pulled my face away. I looked down at his pink lips and wondered how it would feel to kiss him. I shook my head and opened the door.

"I'll text you, bye Carlos." I said hastily not waiting for a reply. I slammed the door and quickly went inside slamming the door behind me. I stood there pressed against the door for a minute with my eyes shut, my head was pounding.

Okay so maybe there was a split second in that car that I wanted him to kiss me. But there was also there terrifying moment of when he touched my face. Clearly the bad outweighed the good. I decided to take Logan's advice and just be friends. Besides, James was the only for me.

"B-Babe?" I shouted as I slipped off my shoes. "James?"

There was no reply so I tossed my keys into the dish by the door and walked into the kitchen. My hands shook as I realized all I today was coffee, my stomach rumbled as I grabbed an apple from a bowl on the counter. I went back into the living room and curled up on the couch and mindlessly scrolled through my ScuttleButter to see if anyone had noticed us out today. When I saw no mention of it I turned my phone off and flicked on the TV and put it on mute. Even though I should be writing songs for my new album I couldn't help but think about Carlos. He seemed sweet today, it was almost like meeting him for the first time, he was still as hot as ever. He gained a little muscle and his hair was buzzed. He wasn't weird or anything either. My thoughts were disrupted when I heard the security system James had installed in a state of "Carlos is out of jail" panic, deactivate.

"Fucking rain, ruining my hair."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed quietly, no matter how serious the issue we were fighting about he still managed to be a narcissistic asshole. I heard him take off his shoes and walk toward the living room. The lights switched on and he gasped.

"Fuck you scared me."

Again I rolled my eyes. "Sorry."

"What are you doing home." He stopped himself. "I mean where's your car."

"The engine wouldn't start so I got a ride home, not that you would care."

James rolled his eyes. "Who brought you home." He stopped again when realized how bitchy he sounded. "I mean I was just at Kendall's I could've picked you up from Logan's."

"My engine died after that, I was at the Daily Grind with Carlos." I smirked a little when I saw James go pale.

He raised his eyebrows. "He brought you, did he- shit, he knows where we live does he know the gate code?" He stammered as he engaged the alarm again.

"No we just drove through the gate," I spat. "Of course he knows where we live."

James was pacing around the living room. "You were out with him, you were alone with him in his car."

"Yes James that's what you do with friends you go out to get coffee and catch up then they take you home." I said slowly as if I was speaking to a child. "Look at you putting two and two together."

He turned around and glared at me. "Did anything happen?" He asked softly. "You know in the car?"

I gasped, was he really asking if I cheated on him. "Yeah we totally fucked in the backseat of his car because you know I just love fucking Carlos because I always bring it up." I hissed at him, repeating what he said this morning.

He looked up at, his eyes were teary and full of anger and guilt. "Riley, don't fucking do this."

"Or what James are you going to hit me? You're already acting enough like Carlos, jealous, a dick, rude and possessive. Should I go on?"

"Stop, I'm never going to hurt you." He sounded desperate. "Just shut up okay?"

"Just shut up? No I'm not going to shut up! You accused me of cheating on you with a guy I hadn't seen in four years." I shouted as I shoved him.

"I didn't mean it like that I just- I don't want to lose you."

Anger tears streamed down my face. "That's fucking rich James, just fucking rich! I've heard that a thousand times, always after I got beat up or raped! Why would I cheat on you with Carlos when I have a copycat right here!"

James' mouth fell open in shock. "I'm nothing like him! I've never hurt you!"

"Not yet at least you already flip out when I hang out with Carlos and you accused me of cheating." I knew I was being dramatic but I wanted to get under his skin.

"Enough!" He screamed at me. "Fine Riley hang out with Carlos. I don't c-care."

His lips did the quivering thing they always did when he was ready to cry. The immense feeling of guilt came crashing over me. "J-James, I'm sorry I just don't get why you're so jealous."

"It's stupid. It's just I watched you get the shit beat out of you everyday for a year and killed me. And now that you're safe I want to keep it that way, I love you so fucking and I don't want him to hurt you."

A moment of silence passed and I hesitantly touched his shoulder. "I love _you, _I love James Diamond and no one will change that_._I just want some closure and know that it's really over."

"L-Look at me."

I glanced up at him, he literally crying. Something I had only seen a few times. "Just tell me the truth and I won't get mad. Is there any tiny part of you that has feelings for Carlos? Ignore the fact that he was your first."

I opened my mouth to speak going to say no but I couldn't form the words. "James it doesn't matter."

"Answer it please I h-have to know."

I reluctantly nodded my head. "Y-Yeah there's a small part of me that still has feelings for him."

My mind instantly flashed to the way he held me against him when we hugged, the scent of his cologne and mostly the way I wanted him to kiss me.

James exhaled and looked at the ceiling. "How much?"

"Like .1 percent. I love _you_ James and clearly if I wanted to be with Carlos I would."

"But the feelings are still there."

I grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look me in the eye. "You saved my l-life. You're literally my hero, I love you with all that I am." Tears built up in my eyes. "I love you, I'll won't see him if you want."

"But you did see him."

I shook my head. "I was curious nothing happened. You saved me and I'll never know how to thank you for it."

"H-How do I know that's not what the past four years have been? You just thanking me by dating me and leading me on."

"James don't." I begged as I started crying. "I love you, I want to be Mrs. Riley Diamond and we'll have kids with amazing hair just like we talked about."

"Oh yeah?" He whispered as his lips shook. "Think about the two of us, do you really want to be a couple or do you still want to be Mrs. Riley Garcia with a perfect son and Carlos?"

"No I wish and pray everyday that I could have my son back! Not because he was Carlos' but because he was my baby, I'm his mother." I shouted my hand going to my stomach. "I was raped James, it didn't have to be Carlos, you and I could've been dating and a stranger could've raped me and I still wouldn't want to have sex. Im scared to be touched James, what if I get hurt?"

James pressed his lips into a thin line. "I would never h-hurt you." He frowned when I cringed away from his touch. "I know it still hard for you but I would never hurt you."

"Oh y-yeah then what are you doing right now?"

His mouth opened slightly and he dropped his hand from my face. "You know what? I'm going to stay at Kendall's for a couple of days."

"W-what?"

He didn't respond he just went up the stairs. I sank down onto the couch and let tears streak my face, held my head in my hands as I heard him shuffling around upstairs. When he came down my head shot up.

"Babe don't do this." I pleaded as I hugged him. "We can't break up!"

He chewed on his lip. "I'm not I just, I need a break okay?"

"I want you so bad." I admitted into his ear. "I want you so bad sometimes it hurts. But all I can think of is loosing my baby and his hands wrapping around my neck and everything bad that happened afterward. I'm sorry James."

James nodded, he seemed a little sympathetic now. "I know but it's been four years."

"I'll have sex with you." I blurted out, not thinking. "Not tonight but soon, when I'm ready. I swear just don't leave me alone."

James slug his bag over his shoulder. "I'll see you later."

I grabbed his face and pressed my lips to his. "I l-love you."

"You too." He sounded annoyed and I winced when he threw my hand down.

"N-No don't go J-James you can't!" I shouted as my body shook with a few raspy sobs. "Just stay here!"

"No Riley! I am sick and tired of your bullshit!" He shouted back at me. "I need a break! I'm leaving!"

He slammed the door behind him and I opened it and watched him get in his car. "Dammit you can't do this to me!"

He simply pulled out the driveway and drove out of sight into the sheets of rain falling down. I slammed the door and slid to the floor, hugging my knees.

"Things aren't supposed to be this fuck up." I whispered to myself. "I f-fucked everything up."

AN: I hope guys don't hate me to much! I just needed something exciting. You'll see the method too my madness soon enough. **So who do you think is right James or Riley? I hope you enjoyed this chapter an**d I'll see you guys soon. Leave me some feedback! Love you guys


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Hello to all the wonderful rushers! Thanks for the reviews last chapters! I had three new reviewers so thank you guys! Anyways this chapter feels sloppy to me with the POV changes but it is what it is. Sorry about that. Also I leave for DC and then Virginia on Wednesday this count count as the weekly update. I hope you guys enjoy and PLEASE review I do accept anonymous reviews and I LOVE FEEDBACK! Anyways enjoy and I apologize for the crappiness of this update. JAMES AND RILEY SEXY TIMES ARE IN THE CHAPTER SO REVEIW FOR THAT!

PS This chapter is really boring and long but I need to set up the plot for the the next few. Sorry! Excitement coming soon ;)

James

My chest heaved up and down at a rapid rate as I pulled out of the driveway and out of our neighborhood. I felt sick to my stomach knowing Riley had been alone with Carlos. What if he had hurt her or scared her? I also felt a little stab of jealously that she had been connecting with him. I love Riley I really do and I understood how he had fucked with her mind but four years is a long time to wait for anything.

I turned my wipers onto full blast and bit my lip. "Copycat my ass." I muttered as I got further from the suburbs and closer to Kendall's downtown apartment. My stomach twisted with guilt as my mind drifted to the thought of tears falling down Riley's face, knowing that I did it.

I dashed from my car and rang the buzzer.

"Hello?" Kendall's voice groggily came through the speaker.

"Dude l-let me in."

The door buzzed opened and I quickly got in the elevator and pounded on Kendall's door when I got to the third floor.

"You do realize you were just here an hour ago?" Kendall asked as he opened the door.

"Yeah well I wouldn't be here if Riley had been out with Carlos." I grumbled as I shut the door behind me and paused in front of the mirror, combing my hair.

"Wait what?"

I turned around and sighed. "She went out with him, for coffee."

Kendall's unruly eyebrows shot upward. "No way, I knew she called him but she went out with him?"

I slipped my comb into my pocket and grabbed a beer from his fridge. "They went to the Daily Grind where they used to go when they _dated. _Then her engine 'died' so he brought her home!"

"Did he hurt her?" He was immediately defensive. "Is she okay?"

"Well she's being a bitch so I guess she's fine."

We were silent for a moment Kendall was texting, probably Logan, and I shook my head.

"You know what the worst part is? She actually is standing up for him, she's probably going to sleep with him. You know I haven't had sex in four years?" I asked a few minutes later.

The buzzer sounded and Kendall let Logan in. "Really?"

"She cries when I take my pants off." I said bitterly, normally I wouldn't dare to talk about Riley but I was beyond irritated.

"What about taking your pants off?" Logan asked, coming through the door.

"Riley. She saw Carlos today."

Logan paled. "I know, I said she should."

I stood up and shoved him. "What the hell did you do that for!"

Kendall put his hand on my shoulder and sat me down and Logan fidgeted.

"Look this obviously hard for everyone but it's going to be the hardest for Riley. She's in a transitional stage, things didn't exactly end well between the two of them and a lot of stuff is still murky." Logan explained going into his psychologist voice. "She needs closure."

"Then what the fuck was therapy for and getting rid of all of Carlos' shit for?" I snapped, thinking of the box of stuff she still had. "I thought that was closure."

He sighed. "That was closure about him leaving. As much as she wanted to leave him it's hard for someone who spent so much with an abuser to cope with them suddenly disappearing. That was to let her know she was safe and that he was gone. Now she needs to know just because he's out doesn't meant her life has to stop."

"Well it sure seems that way. All she wants is Carlos."

Logan patted my back. "Dude she's been with you for four years. She's not just going to leave you."

"Of course not she said I'm acting just like him. Possessive and jealous." I spat as I took another drink. "She's being completely over dramatic."

I noticed Logan and Kendall give each other an uncomfortable glance. Logan eyes didn't meet mine. "Did you uh, hurt her?"

My eyes widened. "No! She's my girlfriend and after all the shit Carlos put her through I would never hurt her."

Logan put his hands out in front of him. "Hey I was just wondering. I mean is she okay?"

"Other than being weepy and talking about the baby I think she'll recover." I said sarcastically. "What if she l-leaves me?"

"She wouldn't do that, I mean come on you guys are perfect together."

"And that's what everyone said about her and Carlos before everyone knew what he did._They_ were perfect together, they had a baby and he was her first. I'm just James."

"Come on. That's not true." Kendall tried to reason. "Yeah everyone _thought_ they were perfect together. He beat her and yeah they had a baby but he raped her and made her miscarry."

"You however got her to leave him. You know she loves you."

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. "I guess, can I crash here tonight?"

"Yeah totally."

I gave Kendall a small smile and zoned out as Logan and Kendall turned on a hockey game. I had really fucked things up with Riley.

I sighed deeply I smushed my face deeper into my pillow. I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked around. It was a little after eleven and I sat up quickly.

"Shit it's eleven? Why the hell did you let me sleep in?" I screeched looking to my right, my anger faded into sadness as I glance over and James wasn't there. "Oh yeah."

It had been two days since James and I fought and I still hadn't heard from him. I'd only spoken to Logan who called to make sure I was okay. Kendall who wanted to make sure I wasn't starving myself and surprisingly Carlos who called just to talk. He could tell I was upset but I didn't want to tell him it was because of him. I looked around my room and saw the stuff from James' dresser was still shoved onto the floor and that there was a crack in his mirror. After he had left I trashed his side of the room.

I picked up my phone and saw that Kelly left a voicemail an hour ago. I pressed play and went to my closet and pulled on an L.A. Kings hoodie from Kendall and a pair of jeans.

"Hey Riley it's Kelly I was just letting you know you have an eleven thirty session today. See you soon!"

I brushed my frizzy hair into a side bun and washed my face, only putting on some coverup and Chapstick. I brushed my teeth as I put on my flip flops and called Kelly back.

"Hey I'm running late but I'm on my way."

"Okay that'll put us behind but don't speed. Is there traffic."

I rinsed out my mouth and scoffed. "No I just woke up. The past few days have been rough."

"Is it Carlos?" Kelly sympathized, we had grown close over the years. "It must be hard that he's out."

I didn't want to bring up James over the phone so I just agreed. "Yeah it's just making things, hard."

"It'll be okay." I heard Gustavo in the background. "Hey we can reschedule, maybe Saturday?"

I grabbed my bag and new lyrics and went downstairs. "Are you sure, I don't want to piss Gustavo off."

"It was his idea, we don't want to stress you out too much it's fine." She insisted as I bit my lip. "Oh and Riley? Make sure you eat."

I rolled my eyes, she knew me too well. Whenever I got really upset or stressed I wouldn't eat. For instance, I hadn't eaten for two days other than the lunch Kendall brought me yesterday. "Fine."

"See you tomorrow, bye."

I hung and grabbed a peach and walked outside into the backyard.

_Morning Riles :)_

It was from Carlos, he knew I was sad, he just though it was about stress not because of James so he had been trying to cheer me up.

_Hey Carlos._

I took a bite of the fruit in my hand and immediately felt sick.

_What's up with my favorite pop star?_

_Being lonely, you?_

It didn't take very long for him to respond, I caught myself smiling about it.

_Being lonelier than you are? Do you want to hang out._

I felt guilty like I had been caught doing something I wasn't supposed to do as my thumbs hovered over the small screen.

_Sure, can come over? I don't feel like leaving._

Okay so that wasn't entirely true. I really didn't want to go out because there was a greater chance of us being photographed together which made my chances of getting James back even slimmer.

_Oh okay. Maybe in 20 minutes?_

I smiled a little.

_Sure see you then_.

I smiled a little and called James, praying that he would answer the phone.

"Unless you're injured or in danger I don't really want to hear it."

I flinched at his tone. "I j-just wanted to know when you were coming home."

"Oh." His voice had softened a little. "I don't know."

"Okay." I whispered, regretting my phone call. "I l-love you."

"You too, make sure you eat."

I heard a click and shoved my phone into my pocket. I sighed as I walked back into the house and went up to the bathroom to at least try to look decent.

My phone buzzed as I put on some eyeliner and lipgloss. I smiled faintly when I saw it was Carlos.

_Almost there! :)_

I chuckled a little he was obviously excited. I sprayed some perfume on and walked down stairs and lingered by the door. I checked my ScuttleButter as I waited for him to come.

I jumped when I heard his car pull into the driveway. I took a deep breath as I opened the door.

"Hey stranger." I said, trying to sound cool but failing miserably.

"Hey Riley." He smiled as he pecked my cheek. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah come on in."

He walked inside, his hands in his pockets. "How are you?"

"Fine." I shut the door and walked into the living room. "How are you?"

He shrugged, smiling a little. "Pretty good."

I smirked a little. "Oh yeah why's that?"

"No reason, it's nice out and I'm hanging out with you."

I felt my cheeks go red and I rolled my eyes. He was being just a little too flirty.

"Very funny."

"So where's James?" Carlos asked as he looked around. "He's not going to come down here and cut my dick off is he?"

I wrinkled my nose and shoved him a little. "No he's away for a Cuda shoot or something."

I curled my legs underneath me and Carlos looked uncomfortable. He sent a text to someone and I caught a glimpse of a little boy on his screen.

"Who's that?"

He looked up and held up his phone. "Oh him?"

I nodded. "He's cute."

Carlos smiled his boyish smile. "My nephew. He's three."

I held his phone and looked down at the screen. He had dark hair and eyes and golden skin, he looked a little like Carlos. My heart hurt a little, our son would've looked something like this.

"He's a-adorable. What's his name?"

"Daniel Garcia."

I nodded and swallowed a little. "O-oh."

"You okay?"

I looked up from the phone and saw Carlos staring at me. Worry was etched into his face, his eyes wide with curiosity.

"It's nothing, it's just, never mind it's stupid." I handed him his phone back, irritated that I freaked him out. "It's fine."

I flinched away a little when I felt his fingers link through mine. "You're about to cry, you can tell me."

I realized for the first time that my eyes were in fact wet. "It's just the baby, they uh would've been t-three soon."

Carlos looked down. "Oh r-really?"

"Yeah. It's nothing though, sorry." I said quickly as I wiped my eyes.

Carlos looked up and looked guilty. He reached out and touched my face.

"I-I'm sorry. I mean that doesn't bring them back but I'm sorry, that night it happened and you told me that it's been stuck in my mind."

"R-really?" I sniffled as I thought of the night I lost him. "You remember?"

He leaned in close and pressed his forehead to mine. "It's kept me up for years. I'm sorry for everything. Especially the b-baby. Our_niño." _He whispered in my ear.

I didn't flinch as he wiped my tears away with him thumb. "You made me so mad." I admitted softly. "I was mad at you."

"I was mad at myself." His eyes were shut. "If I could bring them back I w-would. If I had known I would've been there for them."

My eyes widened as I felt his mouth get dangerously close to mine. His lips lingered near mine and I swallowed.

"Carlos." I whispered, my stomach was churning. I wanted to close the gap between us more than anything. "We c-can't do this. I'm in love with James."

He pressed his lips to my cheek. "I'm sorry, I just, I miss you." He stammered. "I was just thinking about the baby and you and I-"

I cut him off when I pressed my body to his. "Can you just not talk for a minute?"

He nodded and I buried my face in his neck and he hugged me back. I swear the pain I'd had in my chest about the baby felt better talking to the person who understood like I did. He rubbed my back and I whispered in his ear.

"No one understands like you do."

He was silent as he held me for a while. I laid with him and breathed deeply, my chest felt lighter and the grief I had carried for four years lessened. Maybe this is what I needed to get better, maybe I just needed Carlos.

AN: Well this update was a bag of shit. Anyways sorry for the length and mush and boringness. I just wanted to capture a Riley and Carlos moment. And James feel like hes not good enough how do you feel about that?) anyways what do you think of Riley and Carlos talking about their baby. They'll have moment next time as well. PLEASE REVIEW PLEASE I REALLY WANT TO GET TO 40 REVEIW BEFORE THE NEXT CHAPTER. Love you guys!

Niño = child


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Hello lovelies! Thanks for the reviews you guys they made me smile. this chapter is sweet and sexy. So there's a WARNING for this chapter. There's some mild smut, this my first time writing it so some constructive criticism would help. Anyways I hope its okay. James/Riley and Carlos/Riley lovers will enjoy. Please review. Sorry if its not the best I was on vacation when writing this. Also as a 17 year old virgin with limited experience let me know this was believable.

* * *

**Riley**

I moaned into my pillow and my eyes barely opened when I felt the bed shift underneath me. I lifted my head and made out James' figure climbing in bed, I had went to bed an hour ago. This is how we were now, he had been back at the house for a week but things were still icy. He would get into bed after I had fallen asleep and be at the gym when I woke up. As if sharing a bed with me when I was awake disgusted him. I snuggled back under the covers and smiled sleepily when he kissed my cheek.

"Goodnight Riley."

"G'night James." I yawned as I felt my eyelids grow heavy once more.

I furrowed my eyebrows at the sound of wailing. I lifted my head from the pillow and followed the sound and stopped in the doorway and saw him leaning over the crib. I smiled a little bit and walked up behind him.

"Hey daddy."

Carlos turned around and smiled, a small infant was pressed to his chest. I looked around the room and a soft blue paint came into focus. This was him, this was our baby.

Carlos smiled and handed him off to me and I looked down and gasped. He had light tan skin like Carlos, brown hair like me and Carlos' face.

"H-hey baby boy, it's mommy I love you so much."

Carlos kissed me and sighed. "I'm sorry Riley."

"For what?"

He pointed at the baby in my arms. "I hurt him. It's my fault, I didn't know you were pregnant."

I was confused. "Shut up he's fine, see?"

Carlos shook his head, he was crying. "I'm sorry."

I looked back down and screamed. The baby was pale and his chest was no longer rising and falling, he was fading.

"No shut up! Make it stop!" I screamed at him as the baby disappeared from my arms. "Bring him back."

Carlos stepped back into the shadows and the warm nursery turned into the hallway and looked down at myself. I was beaten up and clutching my belly as blood ran down my legs, Kendall and Kelly were running towards me as my hand fell away from my stomach.

I sat straight up and looked around my hands searching for my baby bump.

"Bring him back damn it bring him back!" I sobbed as I clutched at my stomach.

"Shit what's up going on?"

I felt a hand grab me. "Don't touch me! Bring him back you asshole!"

The lamp turned on and I was staring at James who looked terrified. It had been a nightmare. I turned on my phone and saw it was a little after seven in the morning. It had been four years since that day. Tears coursed down my face, there was no baby boy he was gone. He was nothing but a memory.

"Riley what's going on." He whispered as I shook with sobs, my hand not leaving my middle. I grabbed James hand and put under mine. "Oh, a dream about you know?"

I nodded and whimpered. "Uh huh."

James kissed my head and hugged me. "Oh baby, I'm sorry. It's okay, it was just a bad dream."

I shook my head as I looked down at my stomach. "Bring him back, fix it." I sobbed as I rubbed my belly. "I want him back!"

"I c-can't, just breathe its okay. What happened."

"We were in the n-nursery, he was holding h-him." I looked up at James. "I got to see him he looked just like his daddy. He was p-perfect, I held him then Carlos was sorry, and he- he."

James rubbed my back and kissed my forehead. "Just breathe its okay."

"He stopped breathing and I was in the hallway with K-Kendall and Kelly. There was the b-blood." I broke down again. "B-Bring him back."

James sighed. "You know I can't do that it's okay, he's safe now."

"He'd be safer if I could hold him and take care of him.

"I know just try to go back to sleep."

I shook my head and hugged James tightly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I love you."

I got out of bed and changed into some running shorts and a sports bra. "I love you too."

I leaned over him turning off the lamp. I grabbed my phone and went outside. I started running around our neighborhood, trying to clear my head and focus on the pounding of the pavement under my feet.

"I would've been there for them."

His words echoed in my mind, he didn't even know he had a son. He should know everything, he was his father. I rounded the corner and my throat grew tight, the spilt second when I was holding my baby had been perfect. He had been beautiful, he looked just like Carlos. After logging in a mile I walked back to the house.

I walked into the kitchen and saw James making breakfast, he looked up and smiled.

"You okay?"

I nodded a little. "I feel g-guilty."

James furrowed his eyebrows as he handed me an omelet. "Why?"

"Carlos was his dad and he doesn't even know he was a boy or his name and that we had a service."

I expected for James to say something shitty but I was shocked when he shrugged. "You should tell him then, you know closure."

I raised an eyebrow, he had obviously been hanging out with Logan. "Would you get pissed if I went over to his place later and talked to him?"

"No, I mean just don't let him hurt you."

I smiled a little and picked at my omelet. "Okay, thanks."

James leaned over the counter and kissed me. "I'm gonna be late for my shoot I should go."

"Alright, love you. Look sexy." I winked.

"Don't I always?"

I laughed and shoved him. "Narcissist."

"Bully."

I stood up and hugged him. "Bye."

"Love you."

I heard the door shut and I smiled to myself. James and I had finally started getting along again, and I had to admit he was looking hotter than usual. I noticed the strange fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I ignored it as I pulled out my phone.

"Hey Riley what's up?"

I paused. "Can I come over, I mean if your not busy."

"Yeah." He said slowly. "Everything okay?"

I walked up the stairs and into my room. James' stuff was neat and the crack had been replaced. "We n-need to talk, text me your address okay?"

"Okay. Come over anytime."

I said goodbye and hung up. My hands shook a little as I changed into a normal bra and cuter shirt. I ran a brush through my hair and sprayed some perfume on, I could tell I would probably cry so makeup was pointless.

After driving way faster than the speed limit I found myself outside of Carlos' apartment. It was a block over from Kendall's and really nice. I walked inside and up the elevator to the sixth floor. I scanned the doors for 6E, I knocked twice.

"Hey Riley." Carlos greeted as he opened the door. "Come in."

I stepped inside and was shocked. His placed was really nice, were in the living room the walls were white white with a black leather couch, a nice TV and other furniture. There were boxes stack and unpacked all over the place, Carlos had never been the one for cleaning and neatness.

"Nice place."

He shrugged. "Thanks so what's going on is James being a dick?"

I shook my head and stared at his face, he looked so sweet. He would've been an amazing dad. "It's actually about what we talked about a few days ago."

His face paled. "Oh the um baby?"

"Y-Yeah." I sat on his couch. "I have to tell you something about it."

He sat next to me and grabbed my hand. "What's going on."

"I haven't told you e-everything and after last night I feel guilty about everything."

"Wait, what happened last night."

I sighed and bit my lip. "I had dream, well a nightmare actually. We were in the um nursery and you were holding the baby and then I did." I started crying and I felt my breath catch in my throat. "Then you were like I'm sorry Riley and the b-baby stopped breathing and then I was in the damn h-hallway. The blood was e-everywhere, down my l-legs and my baby was gone."

I broke into sobs and felt Carlos stand up. He kicked the wall and punched it, I flinched, I shouldn't have come over now he was mad.

"D-Don't hurt me, p-please." I stuttered out fearfully.

Carlos turned around and grabbed me, I flinched again but stopped when I felt him hug me. His body was shaking with sobs.

"I'm s-sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."

I buried my face in his shoulder and let him rub my back as started to calm down. He put his lips to my ear and whispered.

"If I could bring them back I would. I-I don't know how to fix this but I'll try."

I sat down and held his hand in mine. "T-There's something else." I mumbled grabbing the ultrasound picture I had put in my purse. "The baby um it was a b-boy."

Carlos took the picture from me and stared at it. "A b-boy?" He squeaked. "Y-You mean I could've had a s-son?"

"Yeah, I found out when we were in Chicago on tour. I just d-didn't know how to tell you."

Carlos was crying and shook his head. "I w-wish I could fix this. Bring him back or give you another baby. I'm sorry."

I looked at him and smiled slightly. "When I found out I was so scared and so excited. I had a name picked out and everything."

"Really?" His eyes hadn't left the picture.

"Jayden Roberto Garcia."

"My middle and last name?" He was shocked.

I bit my lip. "Y-Yeah your his daddy."

Carlos held his head in his hands and didn't say anything so I wrapped my arm around him. "I planned on going to see him if you want to come."

He nodded and stood up. "Okay."

The drive over to the cemetery was silent expect the few sighs I let out to stop myself from crying. We parked and I pushed open the gate and started to walk across the all too familiar ground. I felt Carlos grab my hand as we came to a stop. I sat down in the grass and stared at the stone.

"There's no c-casket or anything." I mumbled, feeling like an idiot. "There was nothing to bury b-but it helped. It's kind of stupid but-"

Carlos shook his head and sat next to me. "It's not stupid."

"Hey Jay, it's mommy." I said softy as I leaned against Carlos. "I brought daddy with me."

Carlos looked heartbroken. "Hey buddy, I'm your daddy. I-I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't know about you. But if I did I would've kept you safe." He drew in a breathe. "I would've stopped hurting you and mommy. I'm sorry Jayden I never meant to hurt you. I s-swear I love you so much."

I wiped my eyes and started shaking. "S-See he didn't mean it, I knew he'd love you."

He smiled a tight smile and kissed my cheek and hugged me. We sat in silence for a few minutes as we both cried, I finally found my voice and looked up at him.

"You know I always wanted a family with you?"

"You did?"

I nodded and put a hand to my stomach. "I always pictured this big wedding and having babies that looked like you but acted like me so they wouldn't be so h-hyper." I laughed a little. "A b-boy and then a girl so he could take care of his baby sister."

He blushed a little. "I thought about that too, everyday in jail and when we d-dated. I wanted to marry you so bad it h-hurt, I wanted buy a big house and get a dog and grow old with you."

That sounded like heaven. "Even though I'd complain about getting grey hair and wrinkles?"

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "It would've been worth it. Besides you'd the hottest old lady ever."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek and stared into his warm dark eyes. "Would I have been a good mom?"

"The best mom, you'd keep everything in order and be the serious parent. I'd probably be the push over. I'd teach them to play hockey. Would I have been a good dad?"

I wiped a few tears from my face and snuggled into him. "Yeah as long as you didn't hurt them and feed them nothing but corn dogs."

"I can't guarantee the corndogs but I would never hurt them."

"We would've been good parents."

He stroked my hair and squeezed my hand. "When was the service?"

"A few weeks before the trial." I explained thinking about that day it was arguably one of the hardest days of my life. "It was me, the guys, my parents and Shane, Camille, Jo, a few of my friends from back home, Katie and Mama Knight and Kelly, Gustavo and Griffin. I wanted it to be small."

Carlos was staring at the headstone and exhaled slowly. "I'm so sorry."

I shrugged. "It's okay, you didn't mean it."

Thunder rumbled overhead, I stood up and pulled Carlos up. "Mommy and daddy are going to go okay? I love you Jayden."

Carlos touched the stone again. "Bye buddy, love you."

It started drizzling as we walked hand in hand back to the car. Once we were inside Carlos started crying harder than I've ever seen.

"It's hard the first time, b-but it get easier."

"We shouldn't have to visit him in a fucking cemetery! We should take him to the park and I should teach him to play hockey."

"I know baby, I know."

The rest of the ride was miserable and Carlos finally spoke when I came to a stop outside his building.

Carlos stared out the window. "I loved you and I'm sorry I hurt you two."

I bit my lip. "It's okay, I'll uh see you later."

Carlos leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Thank you for telling me."

"Don't mention it."

He got out of the car and I sped off, I had to clear my head I had to get my mine off of it. Once I got home I walked into our room and saw James standing shirtless putting hair gel in his damp hair. I walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist.

"Hey babe, how'd it go?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it yet."

"Okay, well let me know if you-"

I stopped listening to him as I stared over his tan figure. His abs were tight and and his arms bulged and the small tattoo of my initials on his bicep looked hot. My eyes drifted down to his the waistband of his boxers where he had the 'V' from his muscles. I wanted to feel something other than grief and pain.

I pressed my lips against his and locked my fingers in his hair. He kissed back surprised and I bit his lip and explored his mouth.

"Babe?" He asked pulling away.

I shook my head. "I don't want to feel sad," I swallowed. "I just want to focus on something else."

James nodded and picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him, he pressed my back against the wall. A small sigh escaped my lips when he sucked on my neck. I peeled my shirt over my head, my heart pounded and I felt my grief wash away.

James stood me on my feet and his shaking fingers undid my bra. He keep one hand on my breast and his other hand trailed down my stomach stopped right above my underwear. He stopped and looked at me for approval before slipping off my running shorts.

"Ri?" He panted as I forced my hand down his abs and palmed him. "Mm babe?"

I shushed him by kissing him again, I could feel myself growing excited as I felt his boxers grow tight against my hand. I moaned slightly as he sucked on my neck again.

"Riley please." He whined as I took my hand away from his boxers. "Don't stop."

I smirked a little, I knew I was blushing. "Don't stop what?"

He pressed his lips to my ear. "T-touching me."

I snaked my hand down his stomach, leaving goosebumps on his tan skin. I slipped my hand into his boxer and was shocked at how firm he was. I wrapped my hand around it and squeezed a little as I moved my hand back and forth. James grunted and hunched over me.

"F-Fuck Riley." His voice pained.

I drew my hand back, I was worried. "Am I hurting you?"

The scoff obviously told me no and I pumped him again. His knees buckled and he pressed most of his body against me as he let out a few groans. "Fuck Riley. Keep going."

I moved my hand faster feeling him made my stomach coil. I sighed when I felt him grabbed my butt.

"Baby I'm going to-"

He didn't get to finish because I reached back and squeezed. I tried not to wrinkle my nose at the warm fluid that was now all over my hand.

"I want you so fucking bad." He groaned as he led me to our bed.

I felt my legs touch the edge of the back and he pushed me backwards and my head hit the pillows. I took the opportunity to wipe my hand clean. He was hovering over me and ran his fingertips up and down my thigh.

"Come on." I whined as he pulled away from our kiss. "James?"

"I don't want to take advantage of you, you're sad."

That was reasonable so I let my hand find him again and I squeezed. "My b-birthday."

He nodded in agreement and I kissed him before walking towards the bathroom to clean up. He smacked my butt as I passed and gave me a smirk.

I walked into the bathroom and stripped off my underwear and stepped into the warm shower spray. If being sad about Carlos meant this is how James made me feel better I definitely could get used to it.

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AN: *blushes* So that escalated quickly, I just felt like Riley needs a distraction right now. I always wanted her and James to have a scene. Was it okay, believable? How was the rest of the chapter with the Carlos and Riley moments. Are you team Jiley or team Ciley? Loved it, hated it? Let me know and leave a review! Next chapter: Riley and Carlos have some moments and Carlos does something naughty ;) Review! PS: I HAVE A LOGAN STORY IN THE WORKS


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Hello Rushers and Rushettes! I was going to update Tuesday but i cant sleep and felt like writing. So please excuse all errors due to my sleepless state. I cant tell if I like this chapter or hate it. We'll see. Anyways I think Ciley lovers will enjoy, also thanks for all the reviews and thank you to those who helped me learn how to write smut! Would you like more smut in the future? Anyways enjoy and please review! I'm so close to 50! This chapter is kind of crappy, I may rewrite it. Enjoy!

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James held me against his body as we walked together through the grass. A few days had passed since I was last here but I couldn't keep him off my mind. I propped myself up on my knees and sighed.

"H-hi Jay it's mommy." I whispered as I looked down. There was a small toy police car and an envelope.

"Riley?"

I recognized the handwriting on the front. "Go a-away."

"Babe are you okay?"

"Go away, I need a minute." I raised my voice not turning around.

I waited until I saw him walk away to rip open the letter. I gasped when I saw a long note in Carlos' scrawl.

_Dear Jayden,_

_It's your daddy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for hurting you and hurting your mom. I found out about you four years ago when you're mom was in the hospital. When she told me about you and that you were gone I hated myself, I never meant to hurt you and if I had known she was pregnant I would've stopped. I mean I shouldn't have hurt your mom in the first place but I would've stopped. I've thought about that day for four years, and now that I know you're a boy I feel even worse. You're my mijo, and I took you away to soon, I'm sorry buddy I'm so fucking sorry. I miss you so much and I wish I could bring you back. I would teach you to play hockey and feed you nothing but corndogs even though mommy_ _would get mad. I'd take you to the park and teach you how to annoy mommy. I miss you everyday, it feels like a part of my died when you did. But I'm going to promise you something right now Jayden. I love you, I love you so much it hurts. You're my little boy and I would do anything to protect you, and if you were here I'd be better than my dad was. That's what the police car is for my Papi, who's a better man than I am, is a police officer. He would've love you too. I'm going to tell you a secret, I still love your mom so much. I've never stopped even after she walked away. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met, she makes so happy. I love her and I love you. And if you were still here we'd be a family. I'm sorry I hurt you and mommy but I promise I'm going to make you proud of me and I'm going to make your mommy love me again. I love you so much Jayden, and I know it sucks now but I'll see you again someday so for now I'm just going to miss you. I love you mijo and I'm so so sorry._

_Love Daddy_

I dropped the letter and let a nasty sob escape from my lips. Tears began rolling down my face as I clung to the headstone. How dare he say that he missed him and that he loved me? If he had truly loved us he wouldn't have hurt us. He had no right to say those things to him.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed as I felt James walk up behind me. "You're daddy's an asshole, he loves you but he's an asshole."

"Riley what's wrong." James had dropped down next to me and was holding me as I sobbed. "Breathe just breathe."

I couldn't form words I I just shoved the letter in his hands. After he read it he silently scooped me up. I kept my eyes fixed on Jayden's grave as he carried me to the car. He buckled me in and handed the letter back to me. His knuckles were white from the death grip he had on the steering wheel. Once we got home I sat in the kitchen and broke down in James' arms.

"Who the fuck does he think he is saying that to him?" I whimpered. "He killed him! He doesn't deserve to l-love him."

James just rubbed my back and kissed my hair. "I don't know, just calm down you're going to make yourself sick."

I stood up and snatched the toy and letter from the counter. "I have to go see him, I have to tell him he crossed the line."

James stroked my face causing me to flinched. "Are you sure?"

I nodded and kissed him softly. "I love you."

"I love you too, be careful."

I grabbed my keys and drove way over the speed limit to his apartment. I took the elevator up and pounded on his door.

"Riley hey-." He was smiling but I cut him off when I pushed inside. "What's wrong?"

"What the hell is your problem Carlos Garcia!" I shouted throwing the toy car at his head, causing it to scratch him above his eyebrow.

He grabbed my wrist. "Riley what are you talking about?"

"I still love your mommy so much! I miss you, I'm going to make her love me again?" I screamed as I waved the letter in the air. "Who the fuck do you think you are."

"That was for him! You had no right to read it!" He screamed back. "I'm his dad I lost my son to that day and you didn't even tell me he was a boy."

"You left it there! At my baby's grave I was clearly going to read it! He's my son!"

Carlos got in my face. "He was my son too! I'm sorry, I guess I should've told you about it but you don't have to be a bitch!"

Tears coursed down my face. "You don't get to miss him, you didn't know about him until he was dead you didn't know he was a boy until a few days ago!"

"So? He's my child, I still miss him." He was crying too. "I have to feel guilty everyday knowing I killed him."

I punched him in the face not caring that he might hit me back. "Shut up! You never connected with him like I did! I carried him for 5 months, I felt him kick and I heard his heartbeat. I kept him safe from you! You didn't know him!"

"Well I would have if you had told me." He was whimpering. "I would've gone to doctor appointments and ultrasounds if you had told me!"

"I wasn't going to tell you! You were beating me everyday! The only way you connected with him was when you killed him!" I shouted as he started shaking. "I hate you! I hate you so much!"

"Riley stop." His voice was softer.

I punched his chest repeatedly. "He was my baby boy and you killed him. Do you know what it's like having a baby and then him being gone! To not wake up to him kicking or moving anymore. I felt empty for a year after that!" I started hyperventilating. "You know that night backstage I was scared you were going to kill me?"

Carlos shook his head and didn't look at me. "Ri just stop."

"Because let me tell you something." I sobbed as my stomach turned. "I wish to God that you had! I walked around everyday feeling incomplete. I didn't eat for a week because I felt like I didn't deserve to. And now here you come all I love you and I want to fix things and I'm sorry about Jayden. Well you know what I hate you Carlos and I-"

He cut off my screaming by coming at me. I shut my eyes expecting a punch in the face but I felt his hands cup my face.

"Riley stop just breathe." He was crying and looked freaked out.

"No I hate you, I wanted to _die _because of you, why didn't you kill me? I wished that you had because I wouldn't have to deal with this, I hate you so-"

I was silenced when his mouth pressed against mine and his hands slid to my hips. I pulled back and stared at him in shock.

"Don't touch me." I hissed. "Don't ever-"

Carlos kissed me again and suddenly I found myself craving the taste of lips against mine. He slammed me against the wall and ran his tongue against my teeth. I pulled back and we looked at each other.

"I'm sorry Riley." He was crying again. "I'm sorry about the baby and what I did to you."

"You m-made me want to die." I whimpered. "You made me feel worthless and sometimes I still do."

He stroked my hair. "I can fix that, I can make you feel alive."

Carlos kissed me again and led me to his couch where I let him get on top of me. He left a trail of kisses down my neck as he squeezed my breast as I began feeling guilty.

"Carlos?" I whispered as he snaked his hand under my shirt. "Stop!"

He pulled back. "I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

I bit my lip, as my heart stopped pounding the grief slowly resurfaced. "I hate feeling like this all the. Sad and angry, I just want to feel okay for once. I haven't felt okay in four years."

Carlos scooted closer me, he stroked my cheek. "I'm sorry. I want to make you feel okay, you're so amazing."

I looked at him and wanted nothing more than to kiss him again. I brought my lips to his and let my worries melt away. He waited to see if I'd pull away before his arms wrapped around my waist. I tilted my head as we kissed, just like we had a thousand times before.

I pulled his shirt above his head and stared at the golden abs and pecs he had gained since we last saw each other. I kissed down his neck and ran my fingers over his defined stomach.

"Can I?" He asked breathlessly as he felt the bottom of my shirt.

I nodded, and he pulled my shirt over my head. He kissed all the way down my throat, between my boobs, down my stomach and stopped right where the hem of my jeans began.

I pushed his hand away from the zipper, afraid it might be like last time. He didn't say anything he just ran his fingers up my stomach leaving goosebumps behind.

"I missed you." He groaned into my ear as I sucked the soft spot near his collar bone that I knew would still turn him on.

I knew kissing him should terrify me especially since he raped me but feeling his body against mine, his hands on my waist and his lips felt right. It felt familiar and dangerous at the same time. Knowing that this was so wrong made it even hotter.

"What 'bout James?" He mumbled as pulled back for air.

I bit my lip and shut my eyes, I had honestly forgotten about him. It had taken me 2 years to do this with James but only 2 minutes with Carlos. James treated like I was breakable but Carlos made me feel alive. His wasn't afraid to be adventurous, he was hot.

"I don't know." I replied dumbly. "He doesn't make feel the way you d-do?"

A cute smirk hung from his lips. "And how's that?"

I shrugged and pecked his lips. "James treats me like a scared little girl. You make me feel a women, with James I feel like that girl backstage on the ground."

Carlos sucked on my neck as I tried to make sense of the emotions I had. There wasn't a feeling of guilt or grief just the feeling of my heart pounding.

"I never want to feel that w-weak again." I said softly into his ear.

"I will never let that happen again." Carlos vowed as he lifted my chin so I was staring into his eyes. "I will never make you feel weak again."

His eyes were so dark and deep that I felt myself relax and melt into him. I closed that gap that was between us and let any fears or doubts I had melt away, because in that moment I was stronger than I had ever been. Carlos is exactly what I needed, I needed him to be strong, I needed him to fix me.

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AN: So I feel like some of you will either love this update or hate it. I know I made Riley kind of crazy but I wanted to capture how grief stricken she is and how unstable she is. Do you think Carlos will help her? What did you think about Carlos' letter to think its his place to miss Jayden or do you agree with Riley that they didn't connect? What about James? Let me know what you thought! SORRY THIS WAS SO SHORT!


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note: Oh my gosh guys I am SO sorry for not updating. I've been so busy, I've had summer work and my job plus I became an aunt :) So I've been super busy but I'm back. I have post BTR depression the new episodes inspired me. :( Thank you for the support, here's a new chapter! Enjoy and please leave your thoughts.

Riley's POV

"Los I have to go." I mumbled as he kissed my neck.

He shook his head. "Stay with me."

I kissed his lips and he squeezed my butt as I leaned against his bedroom door. I smiled as he gripped my waist.

"I have plans."

Carlos sighed, pulling back. His lips swollen and his face flustered and rosy. "Fine, come back later?"

I kissed his cheek. "I don't know maybe."

He pushed my hair behind my ear. "Text me yeah?"

I nodded and smiled. "Bye."

He walked me to the door. "Later Riley."

I stepped into the elevator and leaned my head against the wall. Guilt settled into my stomach replacing the lust I had been feeling less than an hour ago. I made out with Carlos, out of all the people in the world it had to be my abusive ex boyfriend. My phone buzzed and my eyes widened at the number of missed calls and texts from Logan, Kendall and _James_.

Fuck, I had honestly forgotten about James when we were making out. He was my boyfriend and I cheated on him. Once I was safely in my car I looked at his messages.

Babe are you okay?

Is he hurting you?

Riley please just let me know you're okay.

Fuck I never should've let you go alone please call me. Love you xx

I sighed at how scared and worried he was for my safety when I had been cheating on him. I had a few from Kendall and Logan.

Ri if he even touches you I'll beat his ass but call James he's pissing himself right now.

James told me about the letter if you need to talk I'm here. It's going to be okay.

I smiled a little Kendall was always willing to defend me no matter what and Logan was always looking out for me. I felt even worse that I had worried them. My phone buzzed again, another text from Kendall.

Riley please let me know if ur ok. I swear if he hurt you I'm going to kill him.

Another text from James.

Babe I'm scared I can't lose you. I love you.

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I turned my phone off. I felt my stomach tighten, he trusted me and loved me and I betrayed him by being with Carlos. I even betrayed my two best friends and worried them. I pulled out a concealer tube from my purse and quickly hid the trail on hickeys and bite marks on my neck with ease. I hid black eyes and bruised cheeks for months, hickeys were nothing.

"Okay Riley just go in there and be cool. It was a one time thing, a mistake." I whispered to myself as I approached the suburb where James and I lived. "He doesn't have to know."

I punched in the new code, James had insisted that it be changed after Carlos dropped me off. I pulled into the driveway and saw James' car. I unlocked the door and slipped my shoes off.

"B-baby?" I called out meekly, trying to steady my voice.

James came flying out of the kitchen crushing me in a tight hug.

"Oh thank God." He muttered. "Did he hurt you?"

I shook my head."No."

James rubbed my back and kissed me, I pulled back immediately. My stomach churned as I realized why; he was Carlos. James didn't seem to notice and continued babbling.

"Shit I was so scared he hurt you and I didn't know what to do." He cupped my face. "God I'm glad you're okay. Did you talk about the letter?"

I nodded slowly as I curled up on the couch. "Yeah."

James bit his lip. "Does he have feelings for you?"

Of course that would be his biggest concern. "Not really he just feels guilty."

Instantly James snorts. "Good he's an asshole."

I rolled my eyes. "You may not like him but we both lost something that night. We're both grieving and trying to figure where to go from here so I'd appreciate it if you weren't a dick."

"Riley I'm sorry I just don't want you to get hurt or anything."

I felt bad taking my anger out on him but he was getting on my nerves. "I'm fucking sick of you treating me like a baby! I can take care of myself stop making me feel like glass!" I shouted, thinking of what I explained to Carlos. "You make me feel like that girl backstage who was broken I'm not going back to that."

James raised his eyebrows, stunned by my outburst. "I wasn't trying to and I know you're so strong but sometimes I worry."

"Well don't." I spat making my way to the stairs. "At least Carlos treats me like a fucking woman, he makes me feel like a person."

"What do you mean he treats you like a woman?"

"Today he made feel like I could take care of myself you treat me like a little girl."

He was pissed, I could see it in his eyes. "Of course I do I don't want you to get beat up again."

I shoved him and pounded up the stairs slamming our door. I didn't get why I was so mad at James but the sight of him disgusted me. The way his mouth attached to mine grossed me out, I felt weak.

"Riley what the fuck happened to you? This morning you were scared and shit and now you're mad at me for no reason."

I turned around and saw James in the doorway. He was teary eyed and biting his lip.

"I want him back okay? I want everything to go back to the way it was!"

"You want who back?" He hissed as he grew red in the face.

"I want Jayden back! I want to be friends with Carlos and I everything to be back to the way it was. I want you to love me again and not be mad all the time."

James touched my face as I starting sniffling and felt tears build in my eyes. "I know you want him back and I know all this change sucks but I love you so much. I just didn't want you to fall for him again."

I wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I love you too it's just too much right now."

James kissed my hair and hugged me. "What can I do? How can I fix this for you?"

"Talking to Carlos helps. It makes me feel better. We both are going through it you know?" I could almost feel his lips against mine. "He makes it okay for a while."

James clearly didn't like my answer. "I can make it okay, I can make you happy." He sounded desperate.

"It's him, he helps just let me talk to him." I pleaded as tears slid down my face. "He feels the same way I do about Jayden and he gets it."

"Ri I miss him too you know. I get it."

I shook my head. "You aren't his dad. Carlos is and he h-helps just deal with it."

After a moment of silence James exhaled. "It's going to be okay. I love you so much."

I whimpered and buried my face into his neck. Denying how much I wanted to be with Carlos, talking about Jayden.

"I love you it's going to get better." He whispered, kissing my lips. "I promise."

He kissed me again and I shoved the desire I had for Carlos' touch and kiss away. I loved James and only James.

"I love you Riley."

There was a small flicker of hesitation and doubt. "I l-love you too."

I felt him hug me and I shut my eyes, I had to forget Carlos, I had to move on.

AN: I know this was shit but I'm dealing with some pretty heavy shit right now. I stopped taking my anti-depressants and anxiety meds so it's just so fucking hard. Anyway Riley has doubts about her love for James. What do you think? I'll update regularly from now on I swear!


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